Monday, July 5, 2010

The whole truth!

Well we all know that statement, The whole truth and nothing but the truth. Well I have come to realize that many people, myself included, really believe that I speak the truth and live in truth. But I can only speak the truth as I perceive truth to be and often I am so wrong. In other words, I might say, I am Okay, when in fact I am not. I want people to think I am okay so that is what I tell them. But the truth might be that I am really having a hard time emotionally and finding it difficult to either express, or even own up to. As adults we are supposed to cope with everything...says who? When things go wrong, and they will, how long will it take for us to 'get over it'. Like the loss of a spouse, child, house etc etc. There is no time limit to recovery. I always used to say, a broken bone takes 6 wks if all goes well. Stitches come out with in 10 days, a head ache should go after medication, with in 20 minutes, but how long does it take to heal a broken heart?

My therapy is really going well at the moment... excruciatingly painful but it is going well. Sometimes in order to heal something we gotta go through even more pain. My therapist today was telling me he plays the guitar and he got a wart under one of his finger nails which was creating a problem for him when he tried to strum on the strings. He went off to his doctor who said ... hummm can you not leave this alone, it should go away in time! my therapist, responded... No, I cannot wait that long. His doc.... well then you have to know, this is going to be REALLY painful are you ready for that? My T, ...YES absolutely.

I think we have to want to heal anything that is causing us not to function and be 'fully alive'.... even if that means going deeper, hurting more, in order to bring the wholeness we all want in our lives.

Today, my therapist told me... "Caryl you want to be abused and you look for it!" Man alive I wanted to hit him. But he went on to explain... "I am not saying that to hurt you, and abuse you even more.... I am telling you that, so that you will face the truth" He then explained to me,  I grew up with abuse and emotional neglect and that is all I know. We all want familiar and that is what I am familiar with. I was angry about that, and I felt pain, but that is because it is the truth.... and I know it.

He asked my why I don't mix with normal people? I said..."because normal people don't understand what I have been through". He responded by saying, "it is not important for them to understand it is important for you to understand". He explained, that expecting other people to understand is expecting them to allow me to stay in pain. He went on to say that when one is in an abusive and controlling relationship, if we are honest, there will be many more controlling and abusive people in our lives not just our partner. In order to break that cycle we have to find acceptance with in our selves, that we are valuable and worthy to be treated with love and respect and we will begin to choose kind, loving honest people who endorse that. Other people mirror what we believe about ourselves.

When I asked him why it has taken so long for anyone to say that to me? He said... " you have probably chosen therapists who are good listeners and too afraid to tell you the truth in case they hurt you some more" .... but when the student is ready, the master will appear. I am terrified of men, but I deliberately chose a male therapist... I want to deal with my demons and live a happy, healthy fun filled life.
I am seeing him again on Wednesday, lets see what happens.

Oh and he also said... I am so used to being abused, that when there is not someone in my life to abuse me, then I abuse myself! Oh man this guy is good, how did he know that. I really struggle with being kind to my own soul even when others aren't.


Susan said...

I always choose men just like my dad. I'm married to one right now! I understand what you are saying about how we choose people that strike comfortableness in us, even though it isn't really a good thing!

DJ said...

Sounds like you have a good therapist working with you.
All the best in loving yourself to wholeness.