The more I have time to think about emotions, mine and all those that I love dearly, I realise that there are so many people who have been abused in one way or another, it is terribly sad to me. Most people live in denial so there is nothing strange about that. We all have to survive as best as we can. But think about it, if someone has a family, a job, their health etc etc then it really stands to reason that it would be easier for them to deal with all that life throws at them... yes? But what when people don't have that support system, the home the job the family etc. No wonder so many people struggle and turn to addictions that hurt them even more I know from first hand experience we do those things to numb the pain, but it only makes the pain worse every day. Addiction is a lonely painful way to live.
I was watching something on TV and discussed it with my "T" . We spent an hour talking yesterday about who we enable and who are the people who enable us. Enable means: helping someone to do something that they should be doing for themselves. I think we all need help now and again and especially people who are hurting, but when we continue to do things for them, help them before they get the chance to help themselves then we are enabling them.
I came home and started to journal, and instrospect about the people who have enabled me and people who I am guilty of being the enabler. When I was a teenager and my Mum had a drinking problem, she used to ask me to pour her a drink and with that action I knew what the consequence would be when she got a bit tipsy, she would be arguementative and pick a fight with me. I have repeated that behaviour all my life. Instead of having the courage to tell my Mum how much her drinking was hurting me and therefore I would NOT be pouring her drinks anymore, I continued not only with her but with everyone else and in many different ways. I just didn't ever learn how to say NO and mean it.
This is helping me a lot because straight away I could see that there were 4 people that I am continueing that behaviour with even now, my three daughters and one of my friends, a dear friend who has been through some very similar things to myself. For 5 years I have been doing every single thing I can to change, heal and win back my freedom, but she is still in exactly the same situation as she was 5 years ago and she does nothing about it. It is time for me to say... enough! I need to tell her that I love her dearly and will always be there for her, but I no longer want to hear about the same old things every single time we speak. My children... hummm they are next and I am sure they feel the same way about me! I want to give them permission to say NO to me when they feel they have to. Like wise I want to learn how to say No to them too. This is going to be a little more difficult, abandonment is my greatest fear in life and I fear losing their love for me... ridiculous because I know that will never happen. I wish people could see on my forehead how hard it is for me to say NO.... but I am going to practise!