Thursday, December 9, 2010

Trust, Fear, Caution and Wisdom

Several years ago I did a course with World Alive. A three day journey of self discovery that was amazing. One of the exercises we did was this one, but we were blind folded and  we had no idea that there were people standing behind us, but we were told to trust and just fall backward off a wall, trusting the people who were running the course. It was interesting, try it sometime...I dare you.
This was another one of the tests, to see how much confidence we had in people. Everyone stands in a circle with one person in the middle who is also blind folded, not like this guy! The idea is for the person in the middle to fall anyway he wants, forward, side ways or backwards and the people in the circle around him must catch him. With each successful fall...catch! the circle moves back a step. The instructions are given to the people on the outside, that no matter what several people MUST rush forward and catch the person. Obviously the outside circle does not move so far back that it is impossible to catch the person in the middle but that person doesn't know that.

It really was an interesting exercise to see the people who have incredible trust and those who don't, some people can't fall at all, they are paralysed with fear. This is an incredible example of how much as individuals, we carry fear with in us and a very few don't. They fall with gay abandonment and actually enjoy the experience.

I was speaking to someone the other day about the fact that she is struggling with TRUST after an abusive relationship. She said she can't tell the difference between legitimate FEAR from the past and learning to discern when a person is wrong for her. She said "when ever I meet someone now, and I feel afraid of them, I don't know if it is because of what I have been through, or whether this person is actually wrong for me.

I tried as best as I could to tell her how I personally learned to tell the difference.  When in male company, there were men I felt comfortable with and men I didn't. I started to make a note of what it was about the men who I felt uncomfortable with and I was very specific.

He seems to look straight through me, 'I am looking at you but not hearing a word you are saying.'
He reminds me of my ex.
He reminds me of my step father.
His voice is the same as....
I don't like the way he drinks.
He is loud and doesn't seem to pay attention when other people are talking to him.
My GUT is telling me ...I don't trust you.

Compared to ...
He has kind eyes
He asks about me and listens to everything I have to say and pays attention.
He is polite, kind to people.
I have not seen him get unreasonably angry with people.

Yes of course these both have flaws, but it was a starting point for me...I didn't trust any MALE at all, not even the men in my own family.

It is a long road and people will fail, that is human nature, but I am far more tuned into people who are being dishonest than I ever was in the past and I told her it would take time but she would get there too. Forgiveness is a huge part of this process. We cannot and must not paint everyone with the same brush, we harm ourselves even more if we do.

I am not sure I am articulating this well but I need to think about this more. When someone has been completely broken by another human being, it really is hard to trust anyone. I have to take one day at a time. At one time I thought it was men I did not trust, but there are so many women who are manipulative and deceitful. To conclude I think if you really trust yourself.... TRUST YOURSELF. It is not about other people it is about the confidence one has with in that really matters, confidence gives us the discernment we need when forming new relationships.

My favourite quote is... TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.

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