Sunday, December 12, 2010

I am sad

Have you ever done that... post your  long message only to have it disappear! In 2004 was my last Christmas with my ex and it was a really an unhappy one. I knew that things were coming to an end, and faster than I could plan for.
2005 January we separated and I was numb, I hardly knew what day of the week it was let alone plan for Christmas 2005. I have no recollection of that Christmas at all... was there one?
By 2006 I was divorced and only just surviving... my heart was broken, shattered by the events of the year before, but thank goodness for my son in laws family who included me and my daughters in their Christmas celebrations.
2007 and my heart was feeling a little stronger and I wanted to reciprocate to the in laws. I invited the whole family and we really put on a feast. Turkey, Gammon, mince pies, roast veggies, desserts nuts glace fruit what ever was 'Christmas' we had it all.
My family in Zimbabwe used to have the most lavish Christmas's this was the first time as a newly divorced person that I could try and do the same. In my opinion Christmas is about family.  But for so many years, when my ex husband had his children then it was about family but when they went to spend time with their Mother, then it was only about us... not my children. He would plan holidays on exotic islands... but without my children. I know you are wondering ... but why did you not insist... why did go? When it is Christmas you don't start fighting about things that you know will cause a war... and I never had a choice anyway.

So... when I was finally separated, and able to make my own choices all I wanted to do was to be with my family. 2007 was the first year that I was ever going to have, with my children with out any drama and doing things just the way we wanted...it was SO special.

This was my Boma in the garden with my precious daughter and her husband preparing for our dinner.

What can I say... my daughters fooling around in one of the decoration! yup...my kids... love them to bits.
Well the day went really well but in the evening when I went into the kitchen... I thought.. OMG... I am going to clean this up tomorrow O So Lo mio.
But when everyone left my precious daughters got stuck in to the kitchen and before I knew it the whole house was spic and span.... we had a wonderful day... the kitchen was spotless and I was alone and in tears... and I mean sobbing.

This was not how I planned life to be. I am a family person. I loved my children, cared deeply about all my step children but no matter what I just couldn't hold the family together.

This was our first real Christmas together as a family and just look at my precious little grand daughter... we all look so happy...but trust me this was a painful time for all of us.

Why am I sad... because I am a family person... and every Christmas is a reminder... that I am not a family.

2 comments:

Sharon said...

You are a part of the family of God -so I am your sister -you are NOT alone!!! You are part of an enormous family chosen for you by a Perfectly Loving Father. REJOICE!!

Shaz said...

Caryl, this was the first photo that I ever recieved from you and I remember thinking to myself then I see so much love there and how increadibly blessed you were. There still is and you still are