Thursday, January 27, 2011

Where will I find solitude

Oh Lord I am tearing up, when I get back to Johannesburg where will I find solitude? Surrounded by neighbours, shopping centers which I hate, the potential for danger lurking around me all the time and security doors closed and burglar bars back on the windows, where will I find solitude? To find some alone time will not be a walk down the road to my beautiful peaceful beach, but will be driving my car to a botanical garden somewhere! I am going to really miss this. My soul has been in turmoil for so long that this time spent in Cape Town was healing and it has given me back my sense of belonging.
Fear is a dreadful thing. I have to make mental pictures to throw fear away and embrace my peaceful soul.
For those who follow this of you who stop by to read my blog from my website, we need to take back everything that was stolen from us, or those parts of ourselves that we recklessly gave away in exchange for some perceived security that didn't exist.
An abusive partner always has the power to destroy our lives and our home the place where we should find comfort and as Dr. Phil says, it should be a safe place to come home to. 
I had a beautiful brick and mortar building that I lived in with my family. But I walked around every day thinking this does not belong to me. I don't mean the building I mean the 'home' part. The home does not belong to me - the space we lived in where ever it was, always belonged to him. He decided when we would be laughing and when we would be crying and that would depend on who he was entertaining for his amusement and how bored and irritated he might be.

He told some people that I was a crazy loonie. He said that he always lived in fear of when I would get angry and explode, he walked around on egg shells apparently. I was a drug addict alcoholic. It is important for other victims to understand that they are masters at projecting. It was he who was an alcoholic violent man, with disgusting behaviour at home and in public. It was the family who walked around on egg shells all doing our best to keep him happy. None of us... dare to tell him what to do or contest him in any way.

Please try, to take some time to find the truth with in yourself. Block out all the noise and confusion inside your head. Quiet the screaming, shouting, angry voices. Pay attention  to your own inner voice. There is a healthy peaceful life out there that is NON VIOLENT. The people I surround myself with today, are kind, caring , nurturing, warm , sincere, gentle, artistic, spiritual people who care... about themselves and ALL others.
Be gentle with yourself.

1 comment:

Shaz said...

Oh my precious friend, I cant imagine how torn you must be feeling. You will be able to go back to your beloved CT, often.
This world has many, many beautiful places which feed a gentle and deep soul and you, being you, you will find them. There's nothing in and around your life now to prevent you from finding your home, in whatever shape or form that may be, and living out the rest of your life without fear....wherever you are.
Yes, 'You will fly'.