Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Where do I find comfort

                                                         Where do we find comfort?
Many search for comfort in alcohol, promiscuity, drugs, work, casino's and constant entertainment, the list is endless. Others find comfort in writing, art, fishing, sewing, baking, exercise, sailing, mountain climbing that list also can go on forever too. We all seem to think that the second lot of options are more beneficial, maybe so, but just as painful sometimes.
This is just my oppinion, all addictions are distructive and we know that and my second list of 'things to do to ease the pain' can be just as bad. If we find peace, and restoration in pursuing those past times then it is all good, but if we become lonely and isolated they can be just as harmful to our sense of well being and wholeness.

The truth is I often resort to painting and writing when I am experiencing pain and feeling vulnerable and I can become quite reclusive, but I am never in denial about the reasons for my personal choices. I take less flack for the things that I do, in fact I often receive praise for living alone, facing my problems, being creative, taking time out to heal is healthy and should be encouraged, but there comes a time when one has to get back into the game. When isolation is nothing more than denying how much pain we are in the same way that addicts try to hide theirs.

The reason I have posted these cute pictures of polar bears, is because I often miss my mother and realised this morning that I never experienced her comfort, which paved the way for a life long search for comfort and validation which I have found in my friends and through my art.

This morning one of my cousins posted a video on my Face Book page. It was an old video taken 40 years ago. The video was of my mother getting married to my stepfather a paedophile, abusive womanizer! To say I was shocked is putting it mildly. Overwhelmed to see my mother's gullible, smiling, happy face after all these years was really painful and even more painful was to see my step fathers smiling, deceitful charming face. I am shaking as I type this. My mind is flooded with memories that I cannot forget.

Recently my ex husband caused some concern over the festive season, a time when I should have been happy and celebrating like everyone else. He has been able to turn my life upside down for years, but not anymore. When he tries to do things that hurt and upset me, I say to myself over and over 'you hold no power over me' and the truth is he doesn't. Sometimes my reactions of fear and panic are simply the memories of the power he had. Memories are just that.... in the past. Today I have control over my life, my choices and the relationships I have with people but the 'flooding' of memories is something that I have to control.

With both these examples I am sharing how we are never going to be rid of the past, it will always come back to haunt us. Where do I find comfort were do you find comfort?

1. My first thought is "Lord please help me, give me the peace that comes with trusting in You".
2. I share how I am feeling by being honest with a friend and I accept the comfort that they offer.
3. I write about the way I am feeling in my journal, it really helps me a lot.
4. I choose to distract myself by doing something positive.

My mother will always be with me and our relationship is loving and kind even though she is no longer here with me. My comfort comes in knowing that I am alright, and God will never leave me or fore sake me, if there is distance between us, it is because I have created it. My comfort comes in believing that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and the comfort that I sometimes need, I give to others - what a blessing.

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