I keep wanting to post something that is cheerful, different and a complete change from what I have been posting in the past few months, but I have to be true to the process I am trying to get through.
If life is about learning, then I must be really "D" for dumb! I really thought I had learned a huge lesson with all this Co Dependency stuff, but no sooner have I had a real aha moment and think to myself, Okay Okay I got it, and I promise it is not a week later that I am put to the test to see if I really do get it.
I was just about to stop therapy and make my next step forward, when I get an SMS message out of the blue from someone I really was hoping never to hear from again. If you ever want to ask a favour of someone, borrow something, get someone to do some dirty work, trust me, seek out a CD and I promise they will jump to do it. It sickens me that fear of rejection can be So strong that it will disable the person from saying NO.
I was watching a program on Oprah the other day and there was a guy on the show who wrote a book called The Gift of Fear. I should have read that book a long long time ago. My interpretation of that is not only fear of danger from strangers etc, but fear of saying NO. No means No, and No to me means I don't want to do something, or No when someone is trying to control me. The only way we, I, will ever be free is when I learn to say No, mean it and if someone else doesn't respect that, then it is their problem, NOT MINE.
I have got to learn NOT TO CARE when people delete me on Facebook for example. I know that you are going to think I am crazy at my age to even worry about that, but I do. When someone has asked ME to be their friend!, then I am offended when they choose to delete me. What the heck is going on with people! I have never deleted anyone from my life, and that IS sometimes necessary. But my own fear of rejection is SO STRONG that I NEVER want people to feel like I do.
I was asked by my therapist the other day to think back to somewhere as a child when I felt that overwhelming sense of abandonment? Hummm I could think of dozens of times, but I knew what he was getting at, IT WAS THAT ONE TIME TOO MANY. I started to cry, because a memory flashed before me that was so vivid that I couldn't help but experience it all over again. I perhaps knew that day, that the one person you love, need and trust, is capable of letting you down totally and completely.
I am not to sure whether those memories can ever really heal. Surely it is normal when that happens to guard your heart? The times in my life when I have opened my heart to trust again, it happens again. My issue, is not that people let me down, I can handle that. My issue is not that people do things I disagree with, or that people think and do things different to me, my issue is that when I don't do things their way - it always seems to be there way or good bye. I don't get it. I NEVER wipe people out of my life when there are differences I always think exactly that, we are different.
I am a Christian and Christians do not believe in reincarnation, but I had an experience a while back that really shocked me to say the least, I mean really shocked me. I had the overwhelming sensation that my brother and I were in another life, and in that life we were also together but not necessarily as brother and sister. We were in a building when there was a natural disaster and we were trapped under rubble injured but alive. We could hear the rescuers trying to find us, but eventually we also heard them giving up the search and we were trying to call them to say "No don't go we are still alive", but they left and we died.
What that was I can't explain I have never had anything like that ever happen before, but it was so clear and so strong that it seemed to explain something deep with in my psyche. I honestly believe,what ever it was, even if it was simply my imagination these things happen for a reason and the reason for me at that point was to accept I don't ever have to be rescued. My life is in my hands and the future is mine to enjoy, fully. I don't have to be rescued and nor do I need to do the rescuing, which I constantly feel compelled to do. I need the tests to come fast and furious so that I can say NO, NO , NO and feel comfortable about saying that.
I had a wonderful weekend, making a journal that I found on the internet, called Remains Of the Day by Mary Ann Moss. Take a look it really was a lot of fun. The weather was cold and miserable, I had lots of recorded movies to watch, the kettle constantly on the boil for tea it was wonderful. I love journalling, it really has been my salvation.