Friday, January 29, 2010


I posted two pictures both of them in landscape format and yet on came out square, now thats a but odd. I am sure things will make sense after a while...! I wonder if there is a special size one has to use?


The other night I was working on something that I wanted to have a peaceful happy message. In the background I was watching a program on Oprah about Mackenzie Phillips. Without realising it my mood changed and so did the piece of art I was working on. The end result had an extremely powerful message, but perhaps a but too shocking for me to put on my blog. So I decided to follow one of the class projects to communicate the same message but in a very different way.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Freedom cont....

I just wanted to be free... free of the past, free of pain, free of abusive people in my life, free... to be me.

Complete Freedom

Recently I was walking along the beach and decided to come home and paint what I had seen, but I saw myself on the rocks, not something I ventured to do, incase a wave washed me away, but this is a combination of an oil painting and a manipulation.

Haunted Past

In the last 5 years there have been literally hundreds of times that I have been awake til the early hours of the morning, haunted with memories, both good and bad. Fearing going to sleep incase my dreams are frought with nightmares. I would often dream of the abuse and go through all the emotions all over again, or I would dream that I was blissfully happy with my X and life was great. I think I lived in a dream world of promises and would just never accept the 'truth' that I as not loved enought to be treated with love and respect.
 During the day I was haunted by visiting familiar places and bumping into familiar people. Shopping malls are still my very worst, I hate them... perhaps not a bad thing :o) You get what I mean.

Workshops & Tutorials

I am really wanting to get into doing on line workshops and tutorials which is why I started this new course with DJ... she is brilliant, but I believe I can do this in SA. To share some of the work I do and my reasons for doing each piece will be explained along the way. According to 'this n that'... ;o)

My colour choice in my work doesn't speak it screams my either my mood at the time or how I wish my mood could be, or how I am working to ward getting into that space... permanently. My soul longs for Peace.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Models and inspiration.

If you see any nudes here I mostly use models from Deviant art and particularly a wonderful photographer... Please always check there if you want to now where I found the model.

That -Tortured Soul

My art work became a wonderful way for me to express myself visually. I had never worked on a computer before so it was wonderful when I used it to start writing my book and inbetween doing all my art work... including learning to do digital manipulations.

My boma in the garden was also a retreat for me. The home I chose to live in was the oldest of all the properties we owned, around the country... this was the first home we bought together and it was almost as if I wanted to turn back the clock... go into reverse... hide somewhere and I did, for almost 3 years.
The pain was so immense that I honestly thought it would kill me. There was no medication for my broken heart and tortured soul.
I knew what I had to do and that was to get my life back... the reason for this blog is to share with other women, how difficult that was. I really believe that divorce, infidelity etc are worse than death. I know! I had never experienced any death including the loss of friends, family and my partents... nothing was as bad as what I went through after my separation.... and so journalling became my passion and from that came the book and from there I began to heal. I wish I could say it was easy, but I would be lying.

That- Zen garden

The real thing... not long after I moved back to one of the properties we owned I was in such distress and didn't ever sleep for more than one or two hours at a time. Not wanting to take any kind of drug to help me along, I decided I needed a Zen garden where I could sit quietly and get in touch with my heart... I needed the anger for a long time, I thought it some how protected my soul...for a while it did... a good while! This was the the most peaceful place I could find. I spent hundreds of hours in this spot writing all my emotions into journals, pages and pages of hate, tears, anguish.... I honestly hated the man that had caused so much pain to me and my children. 

This n That

When you see either This or That, you will know 'That' is referring to the abuse  subject. This - will be referring to the 'NOW'... I hope this works. I don't want this blog to cover everything that has already been spoken of on my website or written in my book... this book is about healing and the journey.

Straight after my divorce I created a wonderful place in my garden to be quiet. There had been so much aggression in my life, with so much trauma and anxiety that I needed to be still.. and I was. I just needed to be alone and grieve. How long did the grieving last... I am still grieving and it has been 5 years. I don't miss the drama, I miss what I thought of the possibilities of how different things could have been.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Look Me In The Eye

The reason for the title of my book was because of all the lies I had been told and the ones I told myself, and I wanted to look my reader in the eye and speak the truth, sordid and morbid, but the truth.

This blog will start at the end!

My book was published in 2007 and since then I have spoken to dozens of people about their experiences concerning abuse, and they have all been shocking, every single one. But what has been incredible to me, is how many people there actually are who have kept silent for so long. There is a forum on my website where people can chat and for some reason, which we are trying to work out why, the forum has gone very quiet.
We had to upgrade the site and as a result we lost a lot of activity, due to some idiot posting unsuitable material. People always ask me... how did you do it? What? How did I get over the incredible pain that I experienced for so many years.

Well that is what I want to share with people here. I wrote in my journal and I used and am still using my art... to heal my soul. Join me on a visual journey and I welcome your comments. All models in my work are from Deviant Art unless otherwise stated.

Well to begin with.... I could never have done this without my relationship with the Lord. I will be posting many different art pieces and I ask you not to judge me for some of the content. I am an artist and use all kinds of subject matter to make my point.

Finally !

I have spent almost the whole day trying to work out all this technical stuff, which if anyone knows me, I am useless at. I hate reading this kind of thing...give me a good book but not this! Anyway let's move along quickly. The next thing I am going to have to fathom, is spell check. But I sure as heck am not going to try that now! I will check it out tomorrow when my brain is fresh. If anyone wants to help me with that, it would be great.

What this blog is all about?

Well the only blogs I have seen are the blogs of fellow artists and what a wonderful journey it has been. There are so many incredibly talented people in this world it has been very inspiring.
I will be showcasing some of my own art work on my blog for the purpose of taking visitors through a visual journey of abuse and the healing process. I would hope that if anyone has experienced anything similar that you will share with me for the benefit of helping others.

I want to find a way of sharing art work and journals that I have done over the years.

Total Irritation

I cannot seem to find anywhere to upload a photo... it seems I no sooner sort out one problem and then end up with another. DJ has tried to help but on this page where I am typing this message the only options are a bold B, and italic option, ABC which is crossed out, a link, and "... so where does one see the upload image! Please can anyone who knows all about blogging... help me to contact the right help desk.

I am struggling with this today...

I am trying to find out how to post pictures? I know I have posted some already, but I can't find the browser now! I must be getting tired.

DJ Pettitt's on line workshop

I have been doing a workshop for a few weeks now and just wanted to post one of the pictures to see if I know how to do all this stuff. But I can't seem to find an icon letting me upload a picture. I am getting tired will perhaps do something else for a while and see if I can find where to post pictures.

Things disappearing.

A moment ago there were some pictures I had posted before that have gone now.. I can see this is going to take some concentration on my part to make things work properly.

Anything is possible

I have spent days trying to sort out the problem I was having with my blog and nothing seemed to work. I was about to give up completely and decided 'just one more try' hey presto and I have sorted things out. I hope now that all the lovely people I have met on DJ's site will now pop in every now and again and say hi! oh I am thrilled. Now I am setting up an account with and will be placing all my professional stuff there... Yipeee... nothing like a New Day.