The real thing... not long after I moved back to one of the properties we owned I was in such distress and didn't ever sleep for more than one or two hours at a time. Not wanting to take any kind of drug to help me along, I decided I needed a Zen garden where I could sit quietly and get in touch with my heart... I needed the anger for a long time, I thought it some how protected my soul...for a while it did... a good while! This was the the most peaceful place I could find. I spent hundreds of hours in this spot writing all my emotions into journals, pages and pages of hate, tears, anguish.... I honestly hated the man that had caused so much pain to me and my children.