Monday, October 17, 2011


For the artists who follow my blog look at the rest of Bruno Leyval's art.
I am sorry I have not been here for quite awhile. I always have to remember that this blog was started in 2007 so that I could share my recovery from Domestic Violence and perhaps help other victims.
It sure as heck has been one long tough journey.
Art has been my outlet for all my frustrations, struggles, escape, and healing and I am still not there yet. The biggest problem that I find is that professionals don't diagnose correctly. It is all well and good when people have struggles in life to say... why don't you see a therapist? I have, many of them and I am sure many other victims of violence have as well, but if you don't see the right person it can add to the fear, disappointment, PTS and ultimately healing. In my own case it has been 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.
This reminds me a lot of when I was younger and had anorexia when I was modelling. Many people commented on my weight or lack of it... you look so skinny, you look fabulous, you need to eat more, you look terrible... but no one said... I think you are anorexic. In those days, way back then... no one knew about anorexia until Karin Carpenter died and Jane Fonda admitted having Bulimia. So it wasn't as well known as it is today. I cannot blame anyone for not confronting me, I didn't think I had a problem.

Most of the time it has to get this bad before anyone will say... this is anorexia and you are going to die unless you get some help.
PTSD is much the same. People say... oh you must be so much happier on your own, at least the abuse has stopped and you don't have to live with that anymore.... but no one knows what is happening on the inside. Yes I was glad I was away from my abuser. He is not my enemy... my memory is. I thought I was doing just fine and slowly but surely I would be happy again, but I was doing all kinds of things to avoid facing the truth. I was completely broken on the inside, cracked, and bleeding profusely. No one could see that, so as long as I looked okay on the outside people around me thought I must be doing alright... not so. As long as I could keep myself busy doing my artwork 24/7, drink umpteen cups of tea, stay away from the outside world.... I would be fine... WRONG. I was setting myself up for a complete break down by denying the severity of my situation. I did try to get professional help but I don't think anyone thought I was struggling as much as I was.
When is enough enough? When is the day that it all comes crashing down, what will it take for the pain to end and healing to begin? I was constantly being told... I am so strong and brave... I wasn't... I was hanging on by my fingernails.
I am going to be journalling about PTSD on my ABUSE IS NO EXCUSE BLOG so please go over there and follow me if you need some help.


Fiona, Cape Town said...

Dear Caryl,
I know all too well about PTSD myself and the damage it keeps on doing down the line. I really empathise with you - and yes, you ARE brave - when you are hanging on by your fingernails, that is very brave. You are walking the tough road - and that means your soul is strong enough to have elected at some level to experience and deal with your life. And you attract your fellow humans' support for your honesty - and honesty is brave too.

Fiona, Cape Town said...

Dear Caryl,
I am only too familiar with PTSD myself. I know how it can lie in wait for years. Good EMDR - a practical therapy - can really help. But yes - you ARE brave - it takes bravery to hang on by your fingernails! And it takes bravery to 'put yourself out there' and to offer help and love to others. You have my support as well as that of so many others.

lori vliegen said...

i'm sorry for all the pain you've endured......i think you have a tremendous amount of courage as you seek peace and healing. and you also have a lot of compassion as you reach out to others who've also been on such a difficult road. i'm sending you a hug right now.....xo

Caryl said...

Fiona, and Lori, thank you for your encouragement. It is easy to disappear into the world of depression, but I choose life and healing... this has all been part of the journey.

Say It In Color said...

Hi dear Caryl....I quickly saw your post the other day and now wanted to be sure and come back to put my arms around you and tell you that you are loved from afar....I hope you can feel the love from so many that you speak to with your honest and sincere heart! I have missed our old class with DJ was special....I will be praying mightily for you and lifting your name and heart to Jesus....He is the only ultimate healer....He always has the last word when we put our trust in Him....which I know you have talked you!