Friday, October 1, 2010

God sometimes uses people !

I don't know how angels manage to do that, but every once in a while an earth angel will post a message that you know, that you know, you needed to hear. You know those messages that cut straight through all the defences and go straight to the heart.  Fiona's message was sent so timeously and was well received.

I am fortunate - blessed... which ever! when I am sick, I have time to think and question stuff and this time has been no different.

I have a dear friend who lives in another city.... she knows who she is... she has offered to try and help me from a distance. I have a friend down the road who wants me to move in with her so that she can look after me... I have the landlord downstairs who has offered to look after my dog and bring me some soup. I have said no to everyone... I am fine. I have food in my fridge, I like my own bed, and I need my dog. Please just leave me alone, I will be fine. I should never ask people to leave me alone..one day they just might!

I was thinking yesterday, and last night, and this morning.... Why do I find it so hard to accept love in action..why why why ! To accept love... means 'you' have the power to hurt me, and 'you' might when I least expect it. Who is YOU and who are THEY... those darn people who actually may not even exist except in our own sick minds.

It has taken me 5 years to pick myself up and it has been really hard this time I aint no spring chicken anymore, as you get older everything gets harder, even going to the loo! I don't mean going to the loo, I mean walking to the loo when you are ill.

My ex husband used to leave me in hospital for weeks and not visit, if I was there because of him or if I was there for any reason, he would not come and see me. Desperate for some affection, I learned to pretend that I wasn't that sick! or that I wasn't in pain! When I was a child my mother wasn't very nurturing either, she would say things like "you won't die  from this... or stop being a baby, you aren't the only one to feel sick"
I have had that message for 60 years, so I guess the message I received was clear ...I DARE NOT be ill because other people don't like you when you are ill.... WHAT A LIE.

I don't ever recall my mother or my 3 ex husbands nurturing me when I was ill. In fact, this LAST one... yes I mean LAST one. He saw me being ill as an opportunity to go out with his friends to party. I am not sharing this on the internet to gain sympathy, I am honestly trying to share these stories so that people will understand how we become victims and why we stay victims.

I watched a Dr Phil program the other day about Generational Curses... not the voodoo doll kind, but the normal B..... #$%^ alcoholism, abuse, incest... etc etc. I thank God that I am someone who wants to know WHY. I am doing everything in my power, to understand my past, acknowledge it, but to DENY it anymore power over me. That doesn't happen in a split second of wisdom, it happens with every new choice I have to  make, every obstacle that I face , every new morning, is another opportunity for me to say... I AM GOING TO MAKE SOME CHANGES.

Therapists do have their place and sadly, many of them do try and keep their patients dependent and try to hold them captive. It is a tough call. Those who say I will never see a therapist and those who can't survive without them. Personally, I would not be where I am today without seeing a professional person. Humm... trust me some of the ones I have seen should have had their license suspended. It is a personal choice, but after this last stretch... I am done. You know when you are over it, when you can tell your therapist more about themselves than they can tell you!

I have decided along with many of my friends, that Co Dependency is not a curse, like I have been lead to believe. I am not going to split hairs on this one, except to say. I like caring about people, I always have and always will, but I am also learning to care about me too.

Something else is happening at the moment, which I will share when I am feeling a bit better.

1 comment:

Patti said...

God Bless You Caryl.
I enjoyed reading this as I am enjoying your book. I just received it yesterday .
Looking forward to reading more on your blog.
Hugs to you

Yes, care about YOU and let others care about you too. There are those that really do. Oh and it is okay to feel sick or down and I think it is very important to have someone there to hold your hand through it. My current husband is NOT sympathetic at all. It hurts.