My Love Interest

When I was at the hair dresser the other day, the chairs, where one has ones hair rinsed etc, is not actually a chair it is a bed. The area where the washing and rinsing takes place is called the 'quiet room' and no one talks in there. While you are having your hair washed you can also have either a foot or hand massage, I chose to have the foot massage. It was absolutely impossible to keep in the giggles with my feet being tickled and my baby girl licking my face. My bladder is not so good anymore I won't go any further!

Enablers

The more I have time to think about emotions, mine and all those that I love dearly, I realise that there are so many people who have been abused in one way or another, it is terribly sad to me. Most people live in denial so there is nothing strange about that. We all have to survive as best as we can. But think about it, if someone has a family, a job, their health etc etc then it really stands to reason that it would be easier for them to deal with all that life throws at them... yes? But what when people don't have that support system, the home the job the family etc. No wonder so many people struggle and turn to addictions that hurt them even more I know from first hand experience we do those things to numb the pain, but it only makes the pain worse every day. Addiction is a lonely painful way to live.

I was watching something on TV and discussed it with my "T" . We spent an hour talking yesterday about who we enable and who are the people who enable us. Enable means: helping someone to do something that they should be doing for themselves. I think we all need help now and again and especially people who are hurting, but when we continue to do things for them, help them before they get the chance to help themselves then we are enabling them.

I came home and started to journal, and instrospect about the people who have enabled me and people who I am guilty of being the enabler. When I was a teenager and my Mum had a drinking problem, she used to ask me to pour her a drink and with that action I knew what the consequence would be when she got a bit tipsy, she would be arguementative and pick a fight with me. I have repeated that behaviour all my life. Instead of having the courage to tell my Mum how much her drinking was hurting me and therefore I would NOT be pouring her drinks anymore, I continued not only with her but with everyone else and in many different ways. I just didn't ever learn how to say NO and mean it.

This is helping me a lot because straight away I could see that there were 4 people that I am continueing that behaviour with even now, my three daughters and one of my friends, a dear friend who has been through some very similar things to myself. For 5 years I have been doing every single thing I can to change, heal and win back my freedom, but she is still in exactly the same situation as she was 5 years ago and she does nothing about it. It is time for me to say... enough! I need to tell her that I love her dearly and will always be there for her, but I no longer want to hear about the same old things every single time we speak. My children... hummm they are next and I am sure they feel the same way about me! I want to give them permission to say NO to me when they feel they have to. Like wise I want to learn how to say No to them too. This is going to be a little more difficult, abandonment is my greatest fear in life and I fear losing their love for me... ridiculous because I know that will never happen. I wish people could see on my forehead how hard it is for me to say NO.... but I am going to practise!

The old me.

The new ME !

It's all gone and so has the colour. My mother was a natural red head and I spent my whole life trying everything I could not to be like her in any way at all. I am sure she will be smiling down at me with this new red hair do! My Mum's name was Sylvia but all her friends called her Red, she would love this.

Spirituality and Anger

As a child I was never allowed to be angry, and I am not just talking for me, I am sure there are so many other people out there just like me. My mother would always say things like, don't raise your voice at me, don't walk away when I am trying to talk to you, if you and your brother can't say something nice then don't say anything at all. In other words I was never allowed to disagree with anything or anyone.
That paved the way to be completely submissive in all situations, with my husbands, friends, work colleagues, pastors etc. I always felt that if I disagreed and wanted to say something they might think I was being argumentative and rebellious. So submission is my first choice when ever there is any kind of conflict.

My therapist is trying to help me have an opinion and to stand up for myself when I need to. That is going to be difficult when for 60 years I have not been able to do that. I am trying and when I do, it often doesn't come out the way I want, but in fact comes across snappy and defensive, but I want to persevere and find ways of communicating where I can respect the person I may disagree with and at the same time make my point. I am not willing to resign myself to a life of failure and live in fear of relationships in case they hurt, which is what I have done for 5 years now.

Trying to overcome my fear of being out in public, being around people and especially men, I went off the the hair dresser today. It is so weird that just having my little puppy with me, gives me comfort. My anxiety goes through the roof when I am in public.  Having men in the salon was tricky but simply ignored them.

Part of my therapy and healing is acknowledging, actually how angry I am. Being a Christian I have only ever tried to walk in forgiveness and kindness towards those who almost destroyed me. Simply talking about it with my therapist, which he has encouraged me to do has made me feel a lot better. In my opinion no matter who you are, or how spiritual we think we are, anger is a very real emotion and I AM ANGRY, REALLY ANGRY which I have been denying for far too long. I wish my X no harm or the many people who tried to destroy me, but I AM angry at them.... this too will pass.

Perhaps when I allow myself to feel that anger, and toss it into the sky with all the sea gulls the next time I go down to the beach, I will reclaim my right to have my freedom back. Living like a recluse is self abuse and I see that now. My decision to cut my hair today was a huge step for me. I have 'had' my hair for soooo long and I have been hiding behind it my whole life. People have always said, Caryl you have such beautiful long, black thick hair.... but I am not my hair! If I cut it off, perhaps it will allow people to 'see' me, the real me. It is going to take some getting used to, I feel bald. When I saw all my hair on the floor, far from feeling liberated, it hurt badly and I felt vulnerable. But I had to do it. Oh gosh how there are times that I just want to stay in my little hole and let the world pass by... but then the abuser really wins and gets the final victory ... and I will not allow that.

Thank you for all your prayers and encouragement I really do appreciate it.

The whole truth!

Well we all know that statement, The whole truth and nothing but the truth. Well I have come to realize that many people, myself included, really believe that I speak the truth and live in truth. But I can only speak the truth as I perceive truth to be and often I am so wrong. In other words, I might say, I am Okay, when in fact I am not. I want people to think I am okay so that is what I tell them. But the truth might be that I am really having a hard time emotionally and finding it difficult to either express, or even own up to. As adults we are supposed to cope with everything...says who? When things go wrong, and they will, how long will it take for us to 'get over it'. Like the loss of a spouse, child, house etc etc. There is no time limit to recovery. I always used to say, a broken bone takes 6 wks if all goes well. Stitches come out with in 10 days, a head ache should go after medication, with in 20 minutes, but how long does it take to heal a broken heart?

My therapy is really going well at the moment... excruciatingly painful but it is going well. Sometimes in order to heal something we gotta go through even more pain. My therapist today was telling me he plays the guitar and he got a wart under one of his finger nails which was creating a problem for him when he tried to strum on the strings. He went off to his doctor who said ... hummm can you not leave this alone, it should go away in time! my therapist, responded... No, I cannot wait that long. His doc.... well then you have to know, this is going to be REALLY painful are you ready for that? My T, ...YES absolutely.

I think we have to want to heal anything that is causing us not to function and be 'fully alive'.... even if that means going deeper, hurting more, in order to bring the wholeness we all want in our lives.

Today, my therapist told me... "Caryl you want to be abused and you look for it!" Man alive I wanted to hit him. But he went on to explain... "I am not saying that to hurt you, and abuse you even more.... I am telling you that, so that you will face the truth" He then explained to me,  I grew up with abuse and emotional neglect and that is all I know. We all want familiar and that is what I am familiar with. I was angry about that, and I felt pain, but that is because it is the truth.... and I know it.

He asked my why I don't mix with normal people? I said..."because normal people don't understand what I have been through". He responded by saying, "it is not important for them to understand it is important for you to understand". He explained, that expecting other people to understand is expecting them to allow me to stay in pain. He went on to say that when one is in an abusive and controlling relationship, if we are honest, there will be many more controlling and abusive people in our lives not just our partner. In order to break that cycle we have to find acceptance with in our selves, that we are valuable and worthy to be treated with love and respect and we will begin to choose kind, loving honest people who endorse that. Other people mirror what we believe about ourselves.

When I asked him why it has taken so long for anyone to say that to me? He said... " you have probably chosen therapists who are good listeners and too afraid to tell you the truth in case they hurt you some more" .... but when the student is ready, the master will appear. I am terrified of men, but I deliberately chose a male therapist... I want to deal with my demons and live a happy, healthy fun filled life.
I am seeing him again on Wednesday, lets see what happens.

Oh and he also said... I am so used to being abused, that when there is not someone in my life to abuse me, then I abuse myself! Oh man this guy is good, how did he know that. I really struggle with being kind to my own soul even when others aren't.

Oh Dear!

Sometimes we just bumble along from day to day thinking everything is just fine, or as fine as things can be, but recently something happened that has shaken me to the core. I moved to Cape Town for a year after a rather messy divorce and after the publication of my book LOOK ME IN THE EYE. Writing the book was really painful and emotionally draining. Once it was finished and I had done all the promotional stuff I felt that I needed to take my 'gap year' so I moved to the coast. For several months I must be honest I was in a complete daze. I had gone into so much detail with the book that all I wanted to do was sit around like a zombie and paint when I felt inspired.
For several months my daily routine was to spend several hours painting, perhaps go to the local supermarket to buy some groceries or take long walks on the beach .... just to think.... and cry... a lot. It was all going to be part of the healing process. I noticed though that every time I went out in public I would have the most awful panic attacks and often abandoned what ever I was doing to rush home in tears.
The months passed quicker than I realised and I knew that I would soon have to make a decision as to what my long term plans would be. I had been up and down to Johannesburg a couple of times and spent Christmas with all my daughters and grand children but that wasn't enough. I was really missing my kids a LOT. At the end of April 2010 exactly a year, I decided it was time to go back and be with my family.

The month of May I had every intention of dedicating my blog time, to my mother who passed away in 1991. I was so looking forward to sharing all the memories. But... I suddenly got flu, and oh my did I get flu. I was sick for the entire month of May. I am not someone who ever gets sick so I was very surprised but simply thought since I don't ever get sick it was perhaps only fair that I had my fair share of the worlds germs!
I couldn't paint or go to the beach so there was not much I could do except think. I suddenly realised that the thought of going back to Jhb, was more traumatic than I had thought and I went into the most awful decline, depressed, anxious, nightmares and complete trauma. Totally fed up with the PTS (Post traumatic Stress) I decided it was time to see a therapist. I was so concerned that I decided to see a psychiatrist, thinking perhaps I was never going to be able to shake the PTS and perhaps needed medication, which I hate. After several sessions she has diagnosed me with ANDROPHOBIA, can you believe that! I have never heard the word, but now that I know what it is, everything makes so much sense. She also said that because of this I have also developed a fear of socializing.

When will this all end! I am tired and really want to move on with my life, but fear of men has completely paralyzed me and I don't know how to deal with it. I am tired and life has been such a struggle that this is just one more thing to deal with .... and I sure as heck will.

My history and experience with men has not been great, but I don't see why I should live like a recluse. Recreating a new life after an abusive marriage, is not easy and this makes me think of all the women out there who are held captive by men, either husbands or worse kidnappers. I often wondered how someone recovers from being held a prisoner, but even though there were no locks on the doors in my home, this time on my own has made me realise that I have been a prisoner most of my life.

This is going to be an interesting time, and I have several things I need to do to enjoy my freedom. It is not going to be easy, but very necessary if I am to go back to Jhb and live in the same suburb as my X husband and all of his friends. I want to go back, walking tall and I don't want to have any fear of bumping into any of them.

I have been quiet on my blog lately because I have been trying to process all of this and it hasn't been easy. What do they say, one day at a time. I have taken the first step... and I will be seeing a male therapist recommended by the psychiatrist, on Monday. Male therapist ! I don't see a male doctor, bank manager, pharmacist, I always choose to see a woman.  I honestly never gave it much thought before, but for years I have avoided men completely. Even though I was living with my abusive husband, I hid for hours and hours in my art studio, choosing to be with him as little as possible.

Because I have never heard about this phobia before I am going to share the symptoms here on my blog, just in case there might be one other person out there who might identify with me and not feel so alone.
In the last chapter of my book I speak of the reader joining me on my journey to heal and this is just part of it, so I am thrilled that I am almost there. The scars will always be there, but they pain has gone, except for when I am in male company, so watch this space, I am going all out now!

Freedom

I love this picture it so depicts who I am and who I have always been and who I will always be.

Pain

I was thinking today... we all try and avoid pain of any sort. But pain is not an emotion to avoid but rather to embrace, because it is only through the experience of pain that we learn some very valuable life lessons. I am in so much pain at the moment. Fear of going backwards and fear of moving forward.
I am about to move back to Johannesburg, a city I really don't like much and never did, but my daughters and grandchildren are there and I love them dearly. My fear is that not only do I not enjoy the city but I have horrible memories of living there, that I will have to face. Pain teaches us what is good for us and what is not.
My pain has been ignored for most of my life and as a result I have done many things to mask and disguise it, but now that I have the time to 'feel' it and acknowledge it, I have the opportunity to deal with it.
No one has control over me, only those I give permission, and I have done that in the past, it is now a new phase for me, a time to be authentic and secure with who I am and what I want and those around me will have to either accept me for who I am or move along.... swiftly.
Pain has taught me so many things about life, my journey from birth to death and I am grateful if somewhat reluctant to accept all of those hard lessons.
God said - 'I have a plan and a purpose for you and that is to prosper and not harm you'. That is hard to digest sometimes when we insist on doing things our way and resist the consequences of those choices.
One thing I never do, is resist change, it comes with the willingness to move forward and do and experience something new... I am willing.

Break Out and be free

Every now and again I have to break away from my usual art style and do something different and crazy. I have been playing with these little paintings using all kinds of textures and 'stuff'. I am not crazy about the end result, but hey, I think they could be cute in a teenage bedroom or something, tell me what you think.

God speaks loud and clear in silence.

Oh I am thrilled, today is the first day that I feel human. I had flu for the whole month of May. I have no doubt at all that the universe, who I call God, has been trying to say something to me for a long time.... I heard! I can be hard of hearing at times. No I do not believe that God makes us sick, I think we make ourselves sick we do things that are not in line with what God wants for us, we allow our bodies to be under nourished, we work too hard, we don't rest, we pay far too much attention to all the things we should ignore and illness finds a place to rest in us.

I was forced to take some time off and relax and God speaks loud and clear in silence. There are many things I have learned in life and continue to learn and I am grateful for all of life's lessons. I am back watch this space.

Sick n Tired!

I am sorry that I have not been blogging lately. I have been really sick and now I am sick n tired of being sick n tired! I have had flu for almost 3 weeks and I must say it is taking its tole on me. I just can't shake it. One or two good days and them bang... I feel awful again. This of course does not lend it's self to me eating very well and I am sure that is not helping, lacking in all the vital nutrients one needs.
I was hoping to share lots of things about my mother this month, but I just haven't felt up to sitting on my computer. I will be back with a vengeance soon!

Sick n Tired

Oh boy am I man down. I have had flu for almost two weeks now and really not feeling up to much so sorry I haven't been blogging for  a while. The little time that I am up and about I am trying to finish some art work for a gallery. I put in  few hours everyday and then back to bed. I haven't been sick in years so it really is not going down well with me. I have swallowed just about every flu pill there is and it is not easing up at all.
Does anyone have any tips.
Hopefully by the time I am feeling better I will have some interesting things to write about and pictures to post. That will be soon I hope.

Distraction

Gentle Reminder

When thinking about my Mum I am often reminded that she was a very lonely person and she was a child of the 'silent generation'. I judged her quite harshly when she was alive and now that I have grown up and been through more life experience I have a tenderness toward her that I wish with all my heart I could express. I wish I was able to look her in the eyes and say... I love you just the way you are.
This is one of my favourite tracks by Mike and the Mechanics and it reminds of both my mother and my father so I wanted to share it. When someone teaches me how to add a video so that the screen comes onto my blog and you can just click on it then I will do that in future but for now the link will have to do. I hope it means as much to you as it means to me. When I do Public Speaking I often play this at the end of my talk.

Art my mother loved

My mother was born in Poona India and my father was born in Peking China. My Mum was an incredible artist and loved chinese art. She did several paintings on silk but unfortunately I didn't get to keep any of them. I know that she would have loved these paintings they are very much her style and her paintings were always of tigers, koi fish and water lilies. I am not sure why she loved Chinese art and wonder if it was influenced by my father?

Isn't this just the most amazing painting I love it and know that my mother would have loved this one too.

Bunking blogging

The past few weeks have been really hectic with visitors from up country so I haven't really had time to blog but since I wanted to dedicate this month to my mother I feel guilty for not doing so. It was her birthday on the 11th May and I was able to spend a large part of the day just thinking about her. I have heard some stories over the years of the kinds of things other people do to remember their mothers.
Continueing to celebrate with dinners with the family and everyone sharing memories of that person. another blogger friend makes her mothers favourite meals on her mothers birthday. I don't do things like that with my family because they are all spread around the world but one thing I do - I write about things I remember in my journal. This month I am going to do some art journal pages to reflect who my mother was. I want to see if I can do some art that speaks volumes about her. This will be interesting.
My mother loved fresh ginger and garlic for example, how I am going to do something around that will have to wait and see.

Indian Door

I don't have any photo's with me so I am sharing a link with you, to some amazing photo's of India.

Poona

Mothers Day

May is the month for Mothers Day and I want to pay a tribute to my own mother who went to be with the Lord in 1991. I was thinking a lot about her this past weekend because it was also her Birthday on the 11th May, she would be 86 if she was still here. One of 4 children she was the youngest and only one of her siblings is still alive my Earth Angel aunt mentioned in my book. I had two mothers, my own mother and my aunt. Unfortunately I didn't get on very well with my mother even though I really loved her, we always had a mother and daughter 'thing' going on that never seemed to work it self out, but as often happens, I have had years to think about our relationship and more recently I have thought much about her own journey through life and I wish she was here for me to say...Forgive me, for not understanding life from your point of view. Forgive me for not understanding you more, and for not giving you the patience and compassion that you so desperately needed.
This month I want to share some things that I have found out about her and things I do remember from the time we had together.
I will start doing that from tomorrow. My Mum was born in Poona, India so I need to start at the beginning.