Oh Lord help me deal with this pain !

This is my darling Aunt Phyl. My mother was the youngest of four and Phyl was the third youngest.  My life as a young girl was painful and full of turmoil and Phyl was always there for my brother and I.  I have so many memories of her. I spent a lot of time with  her when I was a child and my single mother was working. Phyl was kind, comforting and always made me feel special.  She believed in me, my capabilities and my future. I hope that God will give me some more time.... just a little.

 I don't know why God brings certain people into our lives... to teach us... and I learned a lot from her.

She was married to her first husband and had two children... my cousins. There marriage was hard, just after the war, and everyone was making a new life for themselves in Zimbabwe, I think they had problems but we never knew or understood what their problems were.

My aunt and uncle got divorced and a few years later Phyl married her second husband... a difficult but kind man. He was critical of her and found fault with everything, but he was good to us as a family.

Divorce does that to people... they move on... but they don't deal with the emotions of the past.

My darling aunt Phyl and her husband had two more children. The eldest Andrew, who was killed during the Zimbabwe war. I don't think the family was ever the same again. My uncle passed away a few years later heart broken at the loss of his only son. Phyl took over keeping the family together, through thick and thin.

Through the reclaiming of the farms in Zimbabwe, the support of her children and so much heart ache over the war that claimed her son. She was forced to return to England without her family for security and there she lived in a little appartment with her older sister for several years before returning to Zimbabwe to be with her children.

When you are growning older it is amazing to me what becomes important... she traded medical health and financial security, to be with her family in Zimbabwe no matter what!

My precious Phyl.... she has enjoyed the last years of her life in Zimbabwe, the country that she loves and where she found so much happiness. The country that her two husbands died and her son.... life is really strange to me, it is almost as if.... she had to come home. She has just had the second of two stokes and is unconscious so I am not sure what is happening at the moment.

I know that I am sharing some pretty personal stuff here... but... this is who I am.... what makes me tick... makes me care so much for other people.... makes me think about the meaning of life.

Rain Drops

Some people are just so incredibly talented. I have spent far too long browsing other peoples blogs and came across my name sake Carolyn . I could spend an hour on this blog there is so much to enjoy.

Pat Winter

This is really special. Pat is the very gifted lady who made my little comfort doll for my grand daughter. You can order or magazine here.

I have just come back from visiting with my grand daughter and I have a special story to share. For some reason she has not been enjoying school lately and every morning is a tearful gut wrenching good bye with both her and my daughter in tears. I decided to put the little comfort doll that Pat made, into a cute silk bag that I had in my sewing box. It has a long string which I knew she could hang around her neck.

I gave her the doll and told her that when ever she feels sad, she can take the doll out of the bag and hold it close to her heart and she will know that she is loved very very much, by God, by her Mommy and Daddy and by me.

The following day off she went to school and I received an SMS from my daughter to say that it worked like a charm. She got out of the car, waved good bye and went straight in to her classroom. When I collect her from school the first thing she said to me with a smile on her face was, "Pebbie it worked"

Pat's work is beautiful and the detail is breath taking.

A Taste Of Heaven

A taste of heaven is any place where your soul finds peace.

I have been fortunate to travel around the world to some really exotic and beautiful destinations. There was no doubt about it, I did appreciate it at the time, but I have found pleasure and peace, less than 100 meters from my front door.

Alone as alone can be. I went for an early walk along the beach with Bella and there was not a soul in sight. I cannot tell you how peaceful I feel. I am going to miss these long walks, the fresh salty breeze that comes off the sea. The time to think peaceful thoughts and be so grateful for this opportunity to withdraw from the world and heal. Going back to the past so to speak, is really scary for me. There is a possiblity that I could bump into my ex husband at every turn, something I wish I could avoid, but I can't.

I have done so much introspection, taken responsibility for every choice that I have ever made in life. I have forgiven anyone and everyone that I can think of, for the things they have done that hurt...but there is one thing I really struggle with and possibly will do for the rest of my life and it has nothing to do with forgiveness.... and that is my ex husband does not show, or express one single sign of remorse.

Ultimately my marriage to him would never have lasted until death do us part, by natural causes, it possibly would have ended in my death though. I was one of the lucky ones. Taking personal responsibility in an abusive marriage, does not mean blaming oneself for being beaten black and blue, but we have far more power in ourselves than we believe. We are broken down, forced to listen to lies spoken to us and about us, betrayed, degraded and belittled but we do have the power to escape the hell.

1. We have to learn the truth about what LOVE is. Many victims will say... but I do really love him. It is impossible to love a man who has no respect for you. You might care about him as a person, a human being, but you cannot love a man who tries to destroy you.
2. We need to learn to love ourselves and value who we are. No one can give you self love and self respect.
3. We need to stop looking for validation from the outside world. It has to come from within.
4. We must choose life, for ourselves, for our children and our childrens children.
5. We must escape from all forms of abuse and look deeply into our own psyche to understand why we allow the abuse... and STOP it.
6. We must STOP abusing ourselves.

My ex husband said for years that I must take personal responsibilty. I thought that he mean't that I was to blame and I think he did, but had I heard that another way..... to take responsibilty for my own life, I possibly would have seen him for who he really was, understood myself more and made better choices.

This Valentine Day, my prayer for you, is that you don't look for love in all the wrong places, that you don't wait for someone to tell you they love you, but that you will look in the mirror and say I LOVE YOU, and truly mean it and then go out there and show those people in your life that you love them too.

There are some people who read my blog who are unable to leave comments, but I can see from the stats that I get many visitors from my website. This message was for you today.

Little Princess

My Grand daughter wants to have a Princess Party for her birthday this weekend, so my youngest daughter made her these little tiara's to put on the cup cakes. Humm not to sure what we will put on the cakes for the boys, any idea's? Aren't these so cute? Little Princess Cup Cakes.