Hidden treasure

Oh wow, I was so excited when I received this little treasure. I had an idea to do something and asked Pat Winter if she could make it for me. She misunderstood my request and made a doll that was far bigger than what I actually wanted, so she made this little one. Her work is incredible and I was thrilled. Take a look at all the beautiful things she makes.
There is a story behind why I wanted this little doll. I recently read a about how in ancient times the older women in a tribe, made dolls for the grand children. Hidden inside the dolls were messages of wisdom.  Soon it will be my grand daughters 5th birthday and I wanted to make her one. That is her pretty little face on this doll, isn't it just so cute, she fits in the palm of your hand.  I love her.

Silver Bottle

Just look at this, isn't it exquisite. Please...pretty please!

Why don't you go and leave a comment and put yourself in the running to win one of these beautiful bottles. After me of course!

Superman

I was driving in the car the other day and heard this track on the radio, soulful and beautiful to have it  playing in the back ground.

Where will I find solitude

Oh Lord I am tearing up, when I get back to Johannesburg where will I find solitude? Surrounded by neighbours, shopping centers which I hate, the potential for danger lurking around me all the time and security doors closed and burglar bars back on the windows, where will I find solitude? To find some alone time will not be a walk down the road to my beautiful peaceful beach, but will be driving my car to a botanical garden somewhere! I am going to really miss this. My soul has been in turmoil for so long that this time spent in Cape Town was healing and it has given me back my sense of belonging.

Fear is a dreadful thing. I have to make mental pictures to throw fear away and embrace my peaceful soul.

For those who follow this of you who stop by to read my blog from my website, we need to take back everything that was stolen from us, or those parts of ourselves that we recklessly gave away in exchange for some perceived security that didn't exist.

An abusive partner always has the power to destroy our lives and our home the place where we should find comfort and as Dr. Phil says, it should be a safe place to come home to. 

I had a beautiful brick and mortar building that I lived in with my family. But I walked around every day thinking this does not belong to me. I don't mean the building I mean the 'home' part. The home does not belong to me - the space we lived in where ever it was, always belonged to him. He decided when we would be laughing and when we would be crying and that would depend on who he was entertaining for his amusement and how bored and irritated he might be.

He told some people that I was a crazy loonie. He said that he always lived in fear of when I would get angry and explode, he walked around on egg shells apparently. I was a drug addict alcoholic. It is important for other victims to understand that they are masters at projecting. It was he who was an alcoholic violent man, with disgusting behaviour at home and in public. It was the family who walked around on egg shells all doing our best to keep him happy. None of us... dare to tell him what to do or contest him in any way.

Please try, to take some time to find the truth with in yourself. Block out all the noise and confusion inside your head. Quiet the screaming, shouting, angry voices. Pay attention  to your own inner voice. There is a healthy peaceful life out there that is NON VIOLENT. The people I surround myself with today, are kind, caring , nurturing, warm , sincere, gentle, artistic, spiritual people who care... about themselves and ALL others.

Be gentle with yourself.

Pretty little hand made ring

My daughter Cera Tan is so creative. She is making all kinds of jewellery at the moment.This little ring has a matching bracelet which she made for my recent Birthday.

Things to share

Look what I found a tutorial for making these cute silk roses. I know I am packing but I just had to make one of these last night quickly. I love it.

This was made a few months back. It was a tin and a silk rose and now covered with cement and then aged with rust stains. I think it would make a nice gift to someone with tissue paper and chocolates inside or a nice little lacy number tucked away.

Bored Bella

They say dogs don't like moving and packing makes them edgy... no kidding.

And on top of it, she has been chewing off my buttons again. What's with the buttons? Can you see how carefully she removed these ones, she didn't even chew the lace!

Now that Bella is growing up and she is a teenager, I took her off to the Beauty Parlor for her treatments. She had her first manicure and pedicure, poodle cut and her regular touch up on her roots. Doesn't she look just gorgeous?

My Cheri Amore

If she is going to find a descent boyfriend then she must look and act like a lady... that is what my mother told me.

DJ Pettitt

My favourite blog of all time is DJ Pettitt. I met her this time last year when I did a Digital workshop with her. if you don't already know her, then you don't know what you are missing out on. She is one of the most beautiful internet friends I have... inside and out. Go make yourself a cuppa, settle down infront of your computer and pay her a visit... her work is exquisite.

Look at this beautiful Journal she made in December.

Please take some time to follow all her links and you will see some of the most amazing work she does. She is also a very keen photographer taking the most incredible macro photographs. I adore her work.

Daphne & Lynda

More beautiful things to feast your envious eyes on. I just love the vintage photo's, roses, silver bits and pieces. So whimsical and pretty, why don't you pop in for a visit.                                   

Jill

I love this little top and made from all kinds of bits and pieces we all have in the drawer somewhere. Gypsy Flea Market

Maureen Tillman

                                          So much to see and enjoy in Maureen Tillman's beautiful blog.

Moonlight Lady - enjoy the music when you look at the picture below.

Moonlight Lady

I haven't done any manipulations for a long time now. There was a movie I wanted to watch tonight or listen to, so I decided to just start with the water and everything else followed from there. I was singing Moonlight Lady in my head while I was doing it so it worked out pretty wel;.

model is from mjranum 

The angels cry Holy is His Name

Isn't this so beautiful. I wish I could remember where I found it. I would love to paint this and I just might...for my new bedroom when I get back home with my family.

Then and Now

Some journal entries for the Scetchbook challenge Highly Prized. This was really an enjoyable challenge and I wish I had more time because there are a lot of things that I value these days.

I've come a long way

It will soon be my ex husbands 50th Birthday and a year ago I would hardly have been able to think about it without being in tears.... remembering his disinterest  and lack of involvement when it was mine. The pain I went through with the message that I received at the time that I am not worth acknowledging. I mean nothing and therefore my 50th Birthday was not worth celebrating! Every 'big one' is a milestone in  the journey of life and worth celebrating if only to remember how far we have come and what we have learned.
It will soon be a big day for him, and I bare no malice I honestly don't. God is good... when we trust Him to bring healing He is so faithful.
This photo was taken 10 years ago and now I can see where all the wrinkles are... my life maps!

Endings and Beginnings

"Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship."


— Clarissa Pinkola Estés (Women Who Run with the Wolves)

In Loving Memory of My Mother

My mother passed away on the 24th of February 1991. When I read the book WOMAN WHO RUN WITH WOLVES I thought so much about her. I found this website and even the music brings back memories of my mother and her exotic taste in foods and all things eastern. My mother was a Christian but I think she had her roots deep in the soil of India because she never forgot all that she experienced there as a young girl growing up in India. She even learned to speak Urdu at school. I am sorry that I did not ask more questions when she was still alive.  I am still a little confused because she spoke of going to school in India but she was born in Puna which I think is in Burma.
I watched  a program on TV yesterday about China and felt very nostalgic about my father too, he was born in Peking. How sad, that we do not take advantage while we can, to know our parents a little more as people and not simply as Mother and Father.

The Old Wise Woman

The Old Wise Woman  Susan McClellan

There once was an old wise woman who was walking in the mountains when she came across a shallow stream. While looking into the stream she picked up a beautiful precious stone which she dried on her old dress and placed in her bag.

The next day she met a fellow traveller, who was hungry and the woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveller saw the precious stone in her bag, admired it and asked the wise woman if she would give it to him. The wise old woman gave it to him without hesitation. The traveller left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the jewel was worth enough to give him security for the rest of his life.

A few days later he came back searching for  the wise woman. When he found her, he returned the stone and said ..

I have been thinking. I know how valuable this stone is, but I want to give it back to you in the hope that you can give me something far more precious.

If you can give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone.

Author Unknown

Bella has gone Ballistic

For a couple of days now Bella hasn't been herself, in fact she was acting really strange at the beach the other day! She met that black boy on the beach and chasesd his pants off... I mean his fur off. She chased him round and round, up the beach down the beach until eventually he was so exhausted he went and hid with his human parents.
When I put her on her leash, she really did sulk! Since then she has been acting really strange. She has been over excited, killing all of her toys especially the one little dog and the one that looks like a cat. She has been jumping all over me and playing, but then gets all hot under her collar literally and starts doing things to my arm or leg or what ever. Today she was really irritating me so I went on line to find out when does a puppy come into season ? U dah!!!! I am so sad, my little girl is not a little girl anymore, she is in season :o(
Now I am going to have to keep her off the beaches for 3 weeks... damn!

Look at the photo that I took of her on the beach with the black boy, you can see the way she is flirting with him, I knew it !

Looking for love at sunset.

It was such a beautiful evening I decided to take Bella to the beach to watch the sunset. A friend of mine and I went off with a cooler bag filled with biscuits, cheese and wine it was such a perfect evening. I am the mother of a teenage girl dog, all she wants to do... is meet the boys! Well she did... a cute little black boy and she really played up to him. Sadly I had to do what all mothers have to do.... keep an eye on her! Eventually she was becomming TOO friendly and I needed to take control.

Back in mothers control all she could do was watch the sun set... she wasn't amused! My friend and I spent a wonderful evening chatting.... Bella was bored but a Mom has got to do what she has to do! Shame the little black boy soon went home and Bella looked sad... her friend had gone.

I wasn't ignoring her plight but one day when she grows up I will let her have more freedom... just not right now.

                                              There is a time and a season for everything.

Where do I find comfort

                                                         Where do we find comfort?
Many search for comfort in alcohol, promiscuity, drugs, work, casino's and constant entertainment, the list is endless. Others find comfort in writing, art, fishing, sewing, baking, exercise, sailing, mountain climbing that list also can go on forever too. We all seem to think that the second lot of options are more beneficial, maybe so, but just as painful sometimes.
This is just my oppinion, all addictions are distructive and we know that and my second list of 'things to do to ease the pain' can be just as bad. If we find peace, and restoration in pursuing those past times then it is all good, but if we become lonely and isolated they can be just as harmful to our sense of well being and wholeness.

The truth is I often resort to painting and writing when I am experiencing pain and feeling vulnerable and I can become quite reclusive, but I am never in denial about the reasons for my personal choices. I take less flack for the things that I do, in fact I often receive praise for living alone, facing my problems, being creative, taking time out to heal is healthy and should be encouraged, but there comes a time when one has to get back into the game. When isolation is nothing more than denying how much pain we are in the same way that addicts try to hide theirs.

The reason I have posted these cute pictures of polar bears, is because I often miss my mother and realised this morning that I never experienced her comfort, which paved the way for a life long search for comfort and validation which I have found in my friends and through my art.

This morning one of my cousins posted a video on my Face Book page. It was an old video taken 40 years ago. The video was of my mother getting married to my stepfather a paedophile, abusive womanizer! To say I was shocked is putting it mildly. Overwhelmed to see my mother's gullible, smiling, happy face after all these years was really painful and even more painful was to see my step fathers smiling, deceitful charming face. I am shaking as I type this. My mind is flooded with memories that I cannot forget.

Recently my ex husband caused some concern over the festive season, a time when I should have been happy and celebrating like everyone else. He has been able to turn my life upside down for years, but not anymore. When he tries to do things that hurt and upset me, I say to myself over and over 'you hold no power over me' and the truth is he doesn't. Sometimes my reactions of fear and panic are simply the memories of the power he had. Memories are just that.... in the past. Today I have control over my life, my choices and the relationships I have with people but the 'flooding' of memories is something that I have to control.

With both these examples I am sharing how we are never going to be rid of the past, it will always come back to haunt us. Where do I find comfort were do you find comfort?

1. My first thought is "Lord please help me, give me the peace that comes with trusting in You".
2. I share how I am feeling by being honest with a friend and I accept the comfort that they offer.
3. I write about the way I am feeling in my journal, it really helps me a lot.
4. I choose to distract myself by doing something positive.

My mother will always be with me and our relationship is loving and kind even though she is no longer here with me. My comfort comes in knowing that I am alright, and God will never leave me or fore sake me, if there is distance between us, it is because I have created it. My comfort comes in believing that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and the comfort that I sometimes need, I give to others - what a blessing.

Gentle Reminder

My art has changed so much in the past few years! During the festive season I made this little journal, inspired by DJ Pettitt. The journal was made with lots of bits and pieces given to me by friends.

Reminding all my followers and people who read this blog, why I started this blog in the first place. My intention was to help other survivors of domestic violence, both men and women.

I received a phone call the other day from a charming, delightful and gorgeous looking woman who contacted me a year ago after hearing about my experience, she wanted to share with me her own story and she was asking for help. It has taken her a year to break off the relationship she had with her abusive boyfriend, she has met someone else, a kind caring and loving man who adores her. The problem is, that she is struggling with her feelings towards him and she asked me, why she can't appreciate everything about him.
My response to her was that she has become so used to the abuse, and her own self abuse, that she doesn't know what real love is anymore. I spent an hour on the phone with her and my suggestion was that she take the relationship slowly, not to get into any kind of physical relationship with him and to take one day at a time.

A few days later I received another call from someone else who wanted to try and get a copy of my book. This lady lives fairly near to where I live, so she asked if she could meet me for coffee and I agreed. We spoke for about an hour and her story was very familiar. I was very encouraged though because she in fact got my number from the precious person who apparently told her that if it wasn't for me, she would never have been able to end the abusive relationship with her boy friend. that is why I do what I do.

This work is really hard for me, I have moved on with my own life and 'those' years are so far behind me now that I often feel that I want to close that door, but as long as I am able to help someone else the work will continue.

Post Traumatic Stress is often the result of these relationships and for me that was the hardest part. I don't think that ever goes  away altogether but it does get easier with time. When ever I have an attack of anxiety or wake up with a night mare which still happens quite often, instead of meditating on the situation I make every effort to distract myself. I take a nice cool shower, play some really relaxing meditation type of music, look out of my window at the ocean, go for a long walk on the beach, read a book that inspires me and before I know it I am feeling fine. In the early days I spent days and sometimes weeks, fighting off the anxiety and the thoughts of all that has happened in the past.

Enjoy every moment while you can

I really love Hout Bay and will miss these wonderful times that I have had here in Cape Town.

Just weeks before Christmas I met Stephan on the beach and I was really excited and happy that things turned out well for him, he was well cared for by a Christian family, but it wasn't a Happy Christmas for a few others.

A very dear friend of mine has been helping to nurse her son's, girlfriends mother who had cancer over a period of several weeks and sadly she passed away this Christmas, leaving two young daughters behind trying to work out why their mommy died so young.

I met another man who was spending his first Christmas without his daughter who was murdered earlier this year. He was a very sad and lonely man.

I received a phone call to meet with a lady who had bought one of my paintings and after spending two hours with her over coffee, she shared her story with me, and the sadness that she still struggles with as a result of her husband leaving her for a younger woman.

Yet another lady, phoned me before Christmas and we spoke on the phone for at least an hour. She has been really struggling for a long time with a situation that has caused her a lot of emotional pain over the years and she was about to go into hospital for brain surgery to remove a tumour.

My grandson has been in hospital for the past few days with bronchial pneumonia. My daughter and her husband went away for a two week holiday at the coast and for several days have been trying to deal with the kids getting sick and my grandson finally being admitted into hospital. They haven't exactly had the relaxing holiday they had hoped for.

Being the sensitive, caring person that I am... I find it hard to ignore the suffering of others. We have such high expectations at Christmas that everyone will be with loving family, happy and healthy and all having a wonderful time and that sometimes is not the case. All we can do, is continue to pray for those who have not had an easy time and honestly hope that the year ahead will become easier and less painful.

How was my Christmas and New Year, quiet and alone but peaceful. This morning I went for a long walk on the beach with Bella, the fog was thick across the bay and I could hardly see a couple of meters in front of my nose, but it was beautiful. Soon I will begin packing and then I look forward to the move back to Johannesburg to be with my family again. Maybe next Christmas will be happier. My love and prayers go out to all the people I know who did not have a happy time this year. Hope... the expectation of a positive outcome in the future.