I can always fly.

Please come over for tea.

2012-01-10T03:57:00.000-08:00

Good Bye to 2011 which in my case was the worst year I have ever had in my entire life and I am pleased to see the end of it. Roll on 2012 which I know is going to be great. I have lots planned and for the first time in 6 years the sky is blue and I can hear birds singing in my garden.

I am so thankful to all the artist friends I have met on the internet over the past 6 years. I have become close to quite a few of you, sending private emails and chatting on Facebook, I don't know how I would have survived with out all of you. Art has always been my passion and sharing through what I love has been an amazing experience. I have done several on line courses which was wonderfully therapeutic as there were times I couldn't step outside of my front door. Plagued with Post Traumatic Stress the only place I could feel safe was my home, so the internet was the only connection I had with the outside world, for months at a time. You have all inspired me with your art work and the stories you have shared about your own lives, happy times and sad. I just want to say thank you to all of you.
Since you can't really come over for tea I would like to offer some give aways.
I love all kinds of art, but as a Pewter teacher I would like to offer a pewter art piece to any one who follows my blog or features me on theirs right up until 14th February... with lots of love from Me.
This blog was always intended to help other people heal and I hope those people who visit from my website will see... Happiness comes to all those who earnestly seek it.

Fascinating Faces.

2011-12-18T10:25:00.000-08:00

My classes have finished for this year and I am taking some much needed time just to do the things I love... art art and more art. I have been making some Soulcollages and while I have been browsing through some old magazines that I have been keeping I came across these photos which I thought were absolutely stunning. I went on line to search for John Kenny and I was completely side tracked with his amazing photography, I just had to share this with you.

Don't you just love the head dress they are all wearing... very creative. I am not sure that I would like to be scared with hot pokers or what ever it is that they use to make these marks.
I am not sure why I stopped doing my SoulCollages when I saw these... what was the message? Perhaps something as simple as being really blessed to have been born in Africa. My paternal grandparents were Scottish but my father was born in China, maturnal grandparents were English but my mother was born in India. I was born in Africa and have been very blessed to have travelled the whole of Southern Africa from Zambia to Cape Town. There is not much of the country I haven't seen including South West, Namibia and Windhoek, Swaziland, Lesotho. I know why I stopped when I found these photo's... I am truly blessed.

Obi Balls

2011-11-29T11:25:00.000-08:00

I have posted pictures of obi balls before, but since all my artist friends are making lovely things for Christmas I thought I would post them again. If you would like to know how to make them, please leave me a comment and I will give you the instructions.
Obi balls are Japanese friendship balls. One is supposed to make them and give them to friends to collect.

Oh So Boho

2011-11-27T07:32:00.000-08:00

The world I would like to live in is so far removed from where I am right now. Perhaps you might ask... what stops you from living the life of your dreams? I am not sure, perhaps being conditioned by parents, then husbands and now my children. When will I step into my own reality.

I couldn't live with such strong colours all around me I would find it hard to be quiet and peaceful, but I LOVE it. I could however wear what she is wearing and chop my hair off once and for all.

I could invite my real friends over and sip cocktails and listen to awesome music and talk nonsence for hours on end.. and paint.

I would collect hats and shoes and wear them all the time and I would make chunky jewellery and I wouldn't care what people think.

SO EXCITED.

2011-11-23T00:58:00.000-08:00

Oh my how faithful God really is. Something wonderful is about to happen. I have waited so long for this answer to prayer that it is finally coming to pass. Trusting in God is not always easy. Faith in the evidence of things unseen. There have been many times in my life when I doubted that the Lord was even listening. But time and time again He has been faithful to the end. There are many more unanswered prayers, yet, but this one is so huge that I cannot contain my excitement. I cannot mention anything just yet but trust me I will be sharing this wonderful news shortly.
I am not sure why the Lord keeps us waiting sometimes. Is it to strengthen our faith, or is He busy manoeuvring things so that He can answer those prayers. Or is it just that He sometimes says NO it is in our best interest for a prayer not to be answered in the way that we want it to? Which ever way it turns out, He is always faithful.

Crochet tree

2011-11-19T04:14:00.000-08:00

Google the word Crochet Tree's and you will be amazed at what they look like. Some people have the most amazing imagination. You can also see some here.

Nespoon

2011-11-10T01:04:00.000-08:00

Aren't these crochet dream catchers just exquisite. I would love to have one in my garden, infact I just might do that. I have big dreams so I need a big dream catcher. Google the artist Nespoon and you can see more of her work.

Oh WOW... look I caught one.

Terra Sheridan

2011-11-03T01:24:00.000-07:00

Terra Sheridan

THERE IS NO PLACE U CAN GO 2 HIDE FROM THE THOUGHTS THAT KEEP U CONTEMPLATING OVER & OVER INSIDE YOUR MIND...THERE IS NO PLACE U CAN VENTURE WHERE YOUR TRUE EMOTIONS WILL BE CONCEALED & THE SECRETS OF YOUR HEART WILL NOT SHOW- THERE IS NO PLACE IN THIS WHOLE WORLD U CAN TRAVEL 2 WHERE YOUR SPIRIT DOES NOT DIRECT OR GUIDE YOU TOWARDS YOUR DESTINY... YOU MUST NOT TRY 2 SHADOW YOURSELF, BUT EXPRESS YOURSELF... (AUTHOR UNKNOWN)

Terra is an amazing artist why don't you pay her a visit... just click on her name.

My secret place

2011-10-26T09:32:00.000-07:00

Step into my world

There are places that I go when I meditate, I have never shared this before, but as I am walking through the journey of healing would you like to join me on this one. YOU ARE INVITED

Goddess

2011-10-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

I love sharing links with people who follow my blog. Since I am on the subject of healing I had to share this blog with you Healing Woman. I have always loved the idea that there is a Goddess with in all women. I am also very keen to try sculpture and would love to do my grandchildren, am I biting off too much do you think? Scroll through this blog there are some lovely things to see and read.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION

2011-10-25T01:39:00.000-07:00

For the next few weeks I will be posting issues to deal with PTS on this site as well as the other blog ABUSE IS NO EXCUSE, link because we are coming to that time of the year when we are dealing with the issues of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. PTS can be the result of any trauma, but I am relating it to DV.

If you are struggling with insomnia please go to this website. On virtually every program that I have been watching lately, Dr. Phil, Oprah, 3 Talk, Final Justice, CI and various magazines, they are all covering Domestic Violence. It may be boring, depressing for those who have never worn those shoes, but it is far worse for those who have, or are still there. Please be patient, we are all trying our best to bring awareness to this global problem and find some solutions.

I am sharing my own experience on the other blog, please go there if you struggle with lack of sleep and nightmares.

HEALING IN MEDITATION

2011-10-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

Many Christians are against the idea of practising Yoga. I remember many years ago being taught in my church that we are not to practice any Eastern religious practices. I don't see yoga as anything more than a wonderful form of exercise and meditation practice. The bible does speak of, 'Seek the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding'. 'Be still and know that I am God'. Every religion teaches we are to learn to be quiet and meditate.

PLEASE SUPPORT US.
Stress and depression can affect anyone, meditation and massage is a wonderful way to find healing it has been researched and proven that these practices increase cortisol, the feel good hormone.

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

2011-10-17T13:41:00.000-07:00

For the artists who follow my blog look at the rest of Bruno Leyval's art.

I am sorry I have not been here for quite awhile. I always have to remember that this blog was started in 2007 so that I could share my recovery from Domestic Violence and perhaps help other victims.

It sure as heck has been one long tough journey.

Art has been my outlet for all my frustrations, struggles, escape, and healing and I am still not there yet. The biggest problem that I find is that professionals don't diagnose correctly. It is all well and good when people have struggles in life to say... why don't you see a therapist? I have, many of them and I am sure many other victims of violence have as well, but if you don't see the right person it can add to the fear, disappointment, PTS and ultimately healing. In my own case it has been 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.
This reminds me a lot of when I was younger and had anorexia when I was modelling. Many people commented on my weight or lack of it... you look so skinny, you look fabulous, you need to eat more, you look terrible... but no one said... I think you are anorexic. In those days, way back then... no one knew about anorexia until Karin Carpenter died and Jane Fonda admitted having Bulimia. So it wasn't as well known as it is today. I cannot blame anyone for not confronting me, I didn't think I had a problem.

Most of the time it has to get this bad before anyone will say... this is anorexia and you are going to die unless you get some help.
PTSD is much the same. People say... oh you must be so much happier on your own, at least the abuse has stopped and you don't have to live with that anymore.... but no one knows what is happening on the inside. Yes I was glad I was away from my abuser. He is not my enemy... my memory is. I thought I was doing just fine and slowly but surely I would be happy again, but I was doing all kinds of things to avoid facing the truth. I was completely broken on the inside, cracked, and bleeding profusely. No one could see that, so as long as I looked okay on the outside people around me thought I must be doing alright... not so. As long as I could keep myself busy doing my artwork 24/7, drink umpteen cups of tea, stay away from the outside world.... I would be fine... WRONG. I was setting myself up for a complete break down by denying the severity of my situation. I did try to get professional help but I don't think anyone thought I was struggling as much as I was.
When is enough enough? When is the day that it all comes crashing down, what will it take for the pain to end and healing to begin? I was constantly being told... I am so strong and brave... I wasn't... I was hanging on by my fingernails.
I am going to be journalling about PTSD on my ABUSE IS NO EXCUSE BLOG so please go over there and follow me if you need some help.

When things go wrong they go seriously wrong

2011-09-02T16:03:00.000-07:00

I was admitted to hospital recently and given a cocktail of medicines against my wishes. Today I thought I was good enough to go!. I took out some art work that I thought I could do while I was watching TV. I have been having some wobbles, but I thought I had them under control. I decided to paint all the borders of paintings that I have done over the months with black borders. Well before long I bumped over a bottle of black paint that went EVERYWHERE. All over my persian carpet, my beautiful couch, my clothes my jersey I was wearing and all over me... my face, my hair everywhere.

Let me tell you about my daughters. I have 3 of them. The eldest arrived to bring me some meds from the chemist, she saw what looked like, said nothing and her reaction was to tell me how to perhaps clean it. She didn't looked shocked although I was covered in paint.
My second daughter, had she arrived, would have been in with all kinds of cleaning material. she would have taken all my dirty clothes put them in the washing machine and she would have wanted to see everything sorted and under control. My youngest.... would have been on the floor laughing. She would have taken out her camera, taken a picture of my new black hair, laughed her head off and done nothing to help me fix he problem.

I love my girls..... but I would like to see my Persian carpet clean... any ideas?

Oh I forgot to mention. After this catastrophe I thought I would relax and finish a painting that I had been working on for some time. I set up my workspace, nice and clean on my dinning room table. I put some turps into an old yogart container and started painting. The next think I notice if that all my oil paint is messed everywhere, there is turps everywhere and all of a sudden I realise that turps eats trough plastic. I don't want to describe the mess..... so I did the best to clean up and that was me for the day !!!!!

Zentangles The Godess within.

2011-08-28T16:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging lately as I gave been struggling really badly with PTS. It was advised to me by my therapist that I meditate and try and do things that will really distract me. This really works because although there looks like some sense of design, there really isn't until I start seeing a face appear.

I guess in some weird kind of way I would like to wear a head dress like this and live in a world that I can create for myself.

Okay we won't try and analyse this one, but it was a wonderful meditation. My mind races with memories so this is like doing Mandalas except that it doesn't have any set design. I think I could get addicted.

I am also starting to get ready for my Christmas show in October. This little picture took about an hour and a half and I think turned out really well. Nice to use up all the scrap pewter.

Blushing Bride

2011-08-14T07:07:00.000-07:00

Anyone who follows my blog can see that I really love flowers and the Blushing Bride is my favourite. It flowers in September and is really hard to find. They don't last long, but when you dry them after you have enjoyed the fresh flower they dry beautifully.

The Blusing Bide is the soft pink inbetween the roses.

Sea Glass Chandaliers

2011-08-06T09:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't got much time anymore to post my own art work so every now and again I find something really special and just have to share it. A friend of mine was collecting sea glass and she posted some pictures on Facebook. One of her friends left a comment and a link to follow and these are the beautiful chandaliers made with sea glass by this amazing artist. I couldn't save some of my faves but follow the link and take a look for yourself. Riaan Chambers

Soul Restoration

2011-07-31T11:02:00.000-07:00

By now, those who visit my blog regularly will know that I love searching for beautiful blogs that restore my soul, this is one that I found recently and I think the reason I love going there so often is that I love the music that plays in the background while I brows through all the stunning pictures. Sharing is caring and this is really worth sharing.

Bel-decor

I DARE YOU

2011-07-27T10:36:00.000-07:00

This is seriously NO JOKE. I friend of mine has actually been in this pool and he isn't normal and neither is anyone else who would want to do this. Google Devil's Pool at Victoria Falls and take a look at some of the video footage.

What a lovely holiday for the whole family... NOT !

Okay not I need a drink !

My Favourite blog this week.

2011-07-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

I am freezing here in Johannesburg so I really enjoyed looking at these photo's. This is the blog I go to when I want to escape into a very beautiful world of fashion. The Alternative Wife I so often go to this site just to browse it really is so beautiful. Follow all her links and you will disappear into a world of fashion and beauty.

Give Aways

2011-07-18T00:52:00.000-07:00

I have never done this before, so this is a first. There are a lot of people who visit my blog from my website who don't leave comments but I am so pleased that you do drop by. I would like to encourage anyone who doesn't have a blog to give it a try, it really is fun and there are some beautiful, caring and talented people out there in the big wide world.
What I am going to do for this first time give away just to see what people really enjoy in my own work is to offer a few give aways just to see the reaction. The one that recieves the most comments will be the one that is given away. You need to say which one you would like to receive if you are the lucky one.

I will be sending two faces. One will be on fabric and one will be on paper. Do with them what you will.

These six little love birds can be used for many different things. Use them in journals, prayer flags, key rings, mobiles what ever.

I will send you an item of pewter for you to use where ever you would like. In other words, you send me the dimensions and I will make something suitable.

We have only got a short while so hurry to leave a comment that is all you have to do :o)

Featured Blog Carolyn Saxby

2011-07-18T00:16:00.000-07:00

CAROLYN SAXBY

As promised I am going to feature every week some of my favourite blogs. Oh wow how inspiring Carolyn Saxby is with her beautiful work. I have been admiring her for a very long time. Somewhere on my blog I posted one of her hearts about a year or two ago.

What I love about her is not only her magnificent sense of colour, but the sensitive way she communicates through her work. I am not going to say too much about her, I want you to pay her a visit and leave her lots of messages. She has been sick recently with flu and I am sure she could do with some cheering up.

Carolyn has two blogs and a flickr account, take the time to go and see all her work, she really is amazing.
Love Stitching Red. Follow her links to the sketchbook projects 2011, beautiful work, but a very sad story for inspiration.
Flickr account.

If you don't waste most of your day browsing through all her work then I will be very surprised. No matter what medium you work with you will be inspired by her breath taking work.

Prayer Flags

2011-07-12T08:15:00.000-07:00

I have a friend her name is Lunette. I found this blog about prayer flags and really wanted to make some for her. She is being treated for cancer and we are all trusting that she will be healed. Please if you are reading this... just say a little prayer for her I know she would appreciate it.

Jane is a multi talented artist and you can see some of her prayer flags which is where I got the idea.

Jane made this one. Please go and visit her blog... trust me you will really be inspired.

THE PRAYER FLAG PROJECT.

Laughing with angels

2011-07-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

When I have sad days, there is nothing I enjoy more than searching for blogs that lift my spirit and leave me feeling there is so much to be thankful for, this is one of them. Laughing with angels

Please don't ignore them.

2011-07-04T07:24:00.000-07:00

Amazing Artist. Teresa Posyniak

I have not been blogging for a while now, too busy dealing with some demons of my own that rear their heads every now and again. Most of the people who visit this blog come via my website, www.abuseisnoexcuse.co.za, but I also have a lot of very talented artist friends around the world who occassionally pop in to leave a comment. Where ever you come from, please I need your help. Will you show your support and stand up agains DOMESTIC VIOLENCE against women and children by following this blog and leaving a comment. http://abuseisnoexcuse.blogspot.com/

For most of you, I hope this is not an experience you are familiar with, but if one looks at the statistics there is bound to be someone close to you who is in this situation and we have to continue to speak out against all forms of abuse.

Prayer Flags

2011-06-20T01:22:00.000-07:00

Jane is an incredible artist multi talented and you have to go and see some of her work. I did a course with her last year which was fantastic and changed my style of journalling completely. I have always kept art journals, but Jane had such a simple and quick way of capturing memoies in art. She has been making prayer flags for a while which I think is an awesome idea. JaneVille. I have lots to pray about so I am going to start this one today.

Comfort dolls and Prayer flags

2011-06-20T00:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging for while I have been far too busy settling in back home in Johannesburg and trying to find work. I was really doing so well in Cape Town and since I have been back I have to start making contacts from scratch. Cape Town is truly the art capital of South Africa, thousands of artists live there involved in every single art imaginable. People are drawn to Cape Town for the arts so when some people said I might struggle with competition they were wrong, there is enough for everyone.
Johannesburg is quite different. I think the wealthy are quite happy to buy prints to hang on their walls, they are not crazy about markets, I think they would rather buy their jams and jewels from huge shopping centers and they consider most artists to be weird!
I have been teaching pewter classes at a particular venue but I am also teaching in peoples homes as long as there are a group of ladies who can get together for the class. It is going okay but I still have lots of work to do.
There are two things I want to start this week which I think are absolutely brilliant ideas... love them love them. I want to start my own prayer flags and I also want to start a comfort doll collecting for PAINE - Please ABUSE IS NO EXCUSE www.abuseisnoexcuse.co.za If you are interesting in sending me a comfort doll I really would appreciate it you can contact me via my email address for a physical address.

If you would like to read up more about prayer flags and follow some of the links please drop by for a visit to PRAYER FLAGS.

Thanks for popping by have a beautiful day.

Phillipa Devilliers

2011-06-07T07:05:00.000-07:00

I have been away for a while don't really want to go into why, but today I was listening to an interview on the radio and a listener called in and read a poem on air... his name was Matthew and I am doing everything I can to find him so that I can share the poem here on my blog. I was so moved by both of them I wanted to post some links and introduce Phillipa and later I will introduce Matthew.
Phillipa is a young South African poet with an incredible life story and her poetry reflects her history. She has written more than one book but this one in particular was being discussed today. THE EVERYDAY WIFE.

Matthew's poem SHE has been moved to the ABUSE IS NO EXCUSE blog

http://abuseisnoexcuse.blogspot.com/

Sharon

2011-05-17T10:58:00.000-07:00

Please drop by my friends blog and say hello. She doesn't really like to put herself out there and promote her self or her beautiful art work so I decided to add her blog as a featured artist this week.

My dearest friend, and soul sister.

Passionate people.

2011-05-14T08:31:00.000-07:00

Another beautiful blog. I love the fashions and beautiful flowers, have a look... beautiful.

Tribute to Janice Lowry

2011-05-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

Curious to see how other people journal I found this incredible artist. Follow the links and enjoy her journey. Janice Lowry Have a look at her video

http://youtu.be/AcuIjM6He0k

There is something so wonderful about journalling. I often wish that one of my parents had kept a journal or two. I would like to know what they were thinking and feeling about their day to day life. Someone asked me once if I tell the truth in my journal and I replied... absolutely what would be the point otherwise !

Danny Gregory

2011-05-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

I had to share this with you. If you like me, cannot go anywhere without a sketch book / Journal then you will love this mans work. I bought a book of his years ago and it really changed the style in which I used to journal.

I have been away for a while and will take some photo's tomorrow of some of the art work that I have been doing and share it with you. I literally cannot go anywhere with out my journals, water colours, pens and pencils, I just love it... writing and journaling is my meditation.

My new art gallery

2011-05-03T13:32:00.000-07:00

Please come past the new art gallery I would love to see you there.

Belated Invitation

2011-04-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

I was so annoyed, when I received my invitation today ! I would have run out naked with only my shoes, but I am sure I would have been stopped at the airport!

Philip Treacy Hats and Shoes

2011-04-29T10:27:00.000-07:00

Not a hat worn at the wedding today but I loved the huge rose.

No No No what were you thinking!

So pretty.

I am not sure about all these hats, but I would go with the pretty shoes.

The pain will ease in time.

2011-04-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

What happens when it doesn't seem as though that is true? Last night I was awake doing art until 2.45am. I was enjoying what I was doing and I was watching several TV programs in the background, but for some reason I was anxious and I wasn't getting tired. My thoughts switched from the TV to the art work I was doing and interrupted often with thoughts of the Royal Wedding. I wondered if Kate would be asleep, or would she be tossing and turning and wake up exhausted, but then I thought maybe she would take some sort of herbal sleeping pill to guarantee at least a few hours of sleep? For the past 5 years sleep has not come easily to me and I have fallen into a pattern of staying up late trying to exhaust myself so that my sleep would be short, but deep. It doesn't work and I often toss and turn so much that I am awake again in the early hours of the morning and then can't go back to sleep.

This morning I wanted to go and spend some time with friends to watch the Royal Wedding, but I knew that it would be an emotional day for me.... weddings always are. I love them, but they always make me cry. Perhaps I still hold that fantasy that marriages are all supposed to have happy endings, or could it be that I am convinced they will be long, painful, hard and might even end in divorce... I don't know, but one thing I do know, is that I always pray sincerely for the couple to be happy. I have a peace that William and Kate will be happy and they will make their marriage work. After analysing their writing, William might not be that easy to live with, not because he isn't a wonderful, kind and sensitive man, but because the pain of the past is still very real to him.

A comment was made this morning on CNN, while the wedding was in progress, that William had made the right choice in Kate. Her parents are still married and she seems to have had a normal happy childhood. Well that is reassuring for William, but Kate cannot say the same. She will now marry into a family that most of the Royal family have been divorced and the children have all been through very similar circumstances to Princess Diana, which has left William more so than Harry, cautious and distrusting of people in general outside of his immediate family. He now possibly has some of the insecurities his mother had. Kate's writing is a lot more confident, out going, relationship orientated, which will be good for him and I think she will be fiercely protective of him, but I think she might struggle with communication with him during stressful times, because she talks emotions and he is not comfortable with that at all. I know what you are thinking... a lot of men aren't! But at the end of the day, I do think they will work things out and will be together forever. So if everyone likes a fairy tale this could be the one.

I started by saying the pain will ease in time... what happens when it doesn't. When ever I listen to a couple saying their marriage vows, I wonder what all the men are thinking when it comes to the part, honour and obey, faithful, sharing in all that they have in the future, in sickness and health, rich or poor, until DEATH? I am not a cynical person or at least I try my hardest not to be, but in my personal experience and the experience of so many of my friends, those vows apply to women and not men.

What happens when TRUST has been shattered, promises broken and one is left feeling that your life has no value to the person you fell in love with and trusted with the most valuable thing you have, your heart... how does one get over that?

My friends said:

Time heals a broken heart.
The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else !!!
You need to get out there and meet new people.
It won't be long and he will be nothing more than a distant memory.

They lied ! Five years later, yes of course I have good days, sometimes good weeks, but so far never a good month.

Attending a wedding is a reminder of all the pain, the sadness of a marriage that failed. Invitations to dinner parties isn't fun being single and driving yourself home late at night. Sleeping alone, night after night is lonely, constant nightmares is exhausting. The stabbing pain in your heart when you least expect it, is relentless. NO the pain does not ease with time. The only thing that one can do to make life bearable is to keep as busy as possible with things to enjoy, which is why I blog, paint, spend time with family and one or two friends. I enjoy Bella who is a constant source of love and affection and she really makes me laugh. I read a lot and I am sorry to say, but I don't get enough exercise. I do believe that it is easier when you are younger. So if you are young and reading this, there is a lot more hope for you :o) I hope and pray that one day I will wake up and before I realise it... the pain will be gone. I long for that day.

In the meantime, I will continue to share all the wonderful things I am grateful for in the process of healing.

The Royal Wedding of Kate and William

2011-04-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

With all the excitement of the Royal wedding tomorrow I cannot help but think of Princess Diana. I wonder if she would have been happy with her son's choice of wife? Would they spend hours in the kitchen making chocolate cake and talking about marriage? Would she have given him a pep talk about how to conduct himself as a husband I wonder. Well we of course will never know, but I am quite sure she would be extremely proud of her son.
I for one will be thinking about Diana tomorrow and thinking of what she would have worn to the wedding... I wonder?
As I professional handwriting analyst I was fascinated to see a sample of their writing and will have a good look at it in the next day or two and give my opinion.

Kate has really beautiful hands and as much as I love the ring and sentiment behind it, but I personally don't think this is her style. Perhaps she will lock it away and wear something else... I wonder?

My day will be spent wrapped up warmly in front of the TV to watch the whole proceedings, all rather exciting and I do wish them all the very best for their future together.

My favourite blog this month.

2011-04-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

It has been getting colder and colder lately and this blog has been one of my favourites for a long time, but when I saw this photo I had to share it. Oh wow could I be there right now.

I just love this photo too, always a sucker for pretty frills and lace.

Yummie Easter Treats

2011-04-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

Who wants to come over and make some? The recipe for these cute yummie little marshmellows can be found here, along with lots more yummie recipes.

Truly South African 'Shweshwe'

2011-04-10T02:24:00.000-07:00

Shweshwe is the fabric not the dress. I have given you the link to read up about the history of Shweshwe and I have added this information for my blogger friends who are fabric artists and there are a few. In the early 70's when I was somewhat of a hippy child, Shweshwe was very popular amongst the hippy crowd. Bare in mind that it was during the apartheid era and white and black people just didn't mix, well most didn't, so wearing african clothes was not the norm. I was living in Lesotho at the time with my then husband who was a musician and I discovered this material while we were there. The material is very stiff with starch when you buy it, but after a couple of washes it becomes really soft and because it is pure cotton it is extremely comfortable to wear. My wardrobe consisted of denim, muslin, cheese cloth, white cotton and Shweshwe.

I used to make a lot of my own clothes in those days so I made skirts, pants, and blouses from Shweshwe. The material comes in lots of different colours now but in those days it was only in blue and brown and of course indigo blue is one of my very favourite colours so everything I had was in the blue.

Milk Tart

2011-04-10T01:33:00.000-07:00

I felt like sharing something truly South African the good old Afrikaans Milk Tart. Searching for a yummie picture I found this one and the recipe, neither of which are actually typical but I thought it looked good and the recipe sounds good too. But the real recipe and tart are a little different.

The proper recipe for this can be found here.

There are a couple of different ways of making Koek Sisters but I will share an easy recipe if you want to give it a try. They are disgustingly rich, fattening and morish so beware. Photo
Easy recipe for Koeksisters.

Adrian Park

2011-04-02T05:26:00.000-07:00

My nephews are all extremely talented each in their own way. Adrian the eldes of my brothers four sons, is a keen photographer. I love this photo, because I am sure it leads to a secret garden where there is a waterfall, beautiful flowers and naked faeries. His website is called Endless Instant, I am not sure why, I will have to aske him.

Fiona Ewan Rowett

2011-04-01T10:53:00.000-07:00

I know that I am jumping around all over the show... and that's because my mind and life are too, but while I am feeling so unsettled I just wanted to share some of the things I love, it keeps me focused on all the positive things in life. I have been a fan of Fiona's work for years and years, she really is one of South Africa's most talented artists. Go and take a look at her website, I know you will enjoy her work as much as I do.

Fiona Ewan Rowett

Tamara De Lempicka

2011-04-01T08:44:00.000-07:00

I saw this in a fellow bloggers blog.. that sounds funny! I used to buy books from a local book store in Cape Town and on one particular day I asked the friend of mine who worked in the shop to recommend a book for me and this was one of them. I read that back of the book and it didn't really grip me, but I bought it anyway. Perhaps my friend thought I would enjoy it as an artist.
It took me quite a few days to get into it, but now I can't put it down. She was a VERY interesting lady! I had seen her paintings before but didn't make the connection I just didn't like them. This is an interesting book to read though and I also want to show you the blog where I found this, go an take a look.

When ever I see an artists work where there are no brush strokes, I want to know how to do that! I have my own way of doing it, but it isn't easy. When I paint a particular area that I want smooth with out any brush marks, then I take a smooth cloth and I wipe the paint into the canvas, is there an easier way? When I want to achieve that smooth look, I don't use an ordinary canvas either. I will try and find out the name of the material on Monday and then post it here for anyone who might be interested.

There is no denying her talent. I love the way she paints hands and legs, elegant, relaxed and beautiful. Oh and I love the dress.

My gift to you

2011-03-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

This is also one of my favorite blogs Castles, Crowns, Cottages, I can spend hours just browsing. I HoPE YoU enjoy.

Did you go to this blog... it is really stunning isn't it?

I am not in a good space right now and don't want to write depressing stuff today, so I am just enjoying visiting some of the blogs I really enjoy, the ones that take me far away from where I am.

Radu Seu

2011-03-26T09:53:00.000-07:00

Nothing else matters.

Elizabeth Taylor

2011-03-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

Rest in Peace Dame Elizabeth Taylor. I watched you when I was a little girl, in National Velvet and all I wanted to do was to grow up and be as beautiful as you. I think you had a blessed but difficult life. Your health was always an issue. Many of us will miss you.
I did this manipulation for fun a few years ago,. wondering if I could go to a fancy dress as her look alike :o)

Dont flatter yourself Caryl !

If I was a butterfly

2011-03-22T23:54:00.000-07:00

Kimmie you made me think today...If I was a butterfly what colour would I be, and without a doubt I would be blue, turquoise, emerald all in one. Is this not just the most exquisite thing you have ever seen in your life? I want one for my very own. If I had my own butterfly tree how could my heart ever be in turmoil again?

If I could be a butterfly I would be the colour of the universe. I never see black when I look out into the universe, I first see a deep navy blue and the further out into the universe my sight and imagination goes it turns navy, blue, turquoise, purple, lilac..... white.... white.... nothingness.

Transformation

2011-03-22T23:44:00.000-07:00

Kimmie, thank you for always leaving such interested comments. I had my ideas as to what Sydelle would become when she transforms into a butterfly and the thought was ... she would be psychedelic. She really has the most infectious personality, vibrant, colourful and full of light. I then asked her what kind of butterfly would she be and she said... all the colours which is LIGHT. How well do I know her.

Photographic Journey

2011-03-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

Sharing the work of someone so special. Sydelle has been a friend of my youngest daughter Cera Tan since school. They laugh together, have cried together and they create together. Sydelle comes from an incredibly gifted family. Anyone who follows her will follow the path of someone who is going to make it big in South Africa as a photograher watch this space... she is well on her way already.

Please pay her a visit and leave her a comment, I know that she would really appreciate the visit.

Truely an amazing and talented family.

Yup this is Mom and Dad :o)

The pretty little face behind the camera, with the cutest dimples you have ever seen in your life.

Sydelle and my daughter can't you just love them?

Cas Holmes

2011-03-22T08:30:00.000-07:00

I have always kept art journals and they have changed somewhat over the years. My first art journal was done on an overseas trip in about 1980. From England all the way through to the Greek Islands and back I kept notes of everything from the food I ate, the the landscapes, museums, buildings, streets, wrappers, transport tickets, literally everything. In the old days it was called scrapbooking, keeping all the scraps, but art journals have become so much more than that. Recently I have been searching for artists that I enjoy and Cas Homes work fascinated me. I think her sense of design, colour and mixed media is awesome. Follow the links and see her work for yourself. She also gives a lot of tips, I love that.

Interesting

2011-03-22T08:08:00.000-07:00

There is something so fascinating about installation art. I have been searching on the internet for some interesting artists and their work, like Cas Holmes

Look at the arches repeated in the fabric. What do you imagine to be behind the curtain? .

Things I love

2011-03-20T12:11:00.000-07:00

I can't wear this type of thing anymore, but I certainly would have when I was younger. Please go over and have a look at some of these cutsy tops, I love them.

Art I really enjoy

2011-03-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

My life is a bit topsy turvy at the moment and I am not feeling inspired to write about all the daily things that are causing me to go greyer than grey! So I am going to share some art work that I really enjoy from other blogger friends. Martha is a Calligrapher and I am mad about her work. I have studied calligraphy myself with an excellent teacher some years ago and I have done quite a few corporate jobs, like graduation certificates for a college. I have also done some art work with calligraphy and trust me this is really hard. Like most things, one has to practice and practice ... and practice. I love the way Martha uses her art work as well in her work and I love the journalling style.

Dance When You Want To Cry.

2011-03-10T11:11:00.001-08:00

I have a friend who does a lot of public speaking with Toast Masters. She has been doing really well and recently she gave a speech about Dancing When You Want To Cry. In essence what she was trying to say is sometimes when we just can't fight back the tears and heart ache, we should just dance.

This evening I received a message on my Blackberry informing me that a friends husband had passed away. All deaths are sad and none of us are ever prepared but what was so unusual about this one is that the wife, I shall not mention her name, had a very sad romantic relationship in the past and she was on her own for many years. She is beautiful, works hard, and I always wondered if she would find love again. She did, unexpectedly and her new love was so right for her in every way that I can honestly say that their relationship was so beautiful, genuine, pure, they were deeply and passionately in love, but more than that there was a spiritual connection that I have never seen before.

They are both writers, artists and just beautiful people. They were married on the 10th September 2009 and hundreds of people were really and truly happy for them. He had a heart attack on Wednesday ... why?
I am angry and feeling her pain so deeply. I know that tomorrow my anger will subside and I will not question again, but today I am very sad for her. She loved him with all her heart and soul, they were so happy.

I know that many people lose the people they love and adore... it is just so sad.

I have been feeling so down for a while now and I just wanted to find something on You Tube that would cheer me up which is why I am sharing this video... I hope you enjoy it too.

Sometimes questions just don't have answers.

Can things get worse?

2011-03-05T23:24:00.000-08:00

When things can't get any worse they often do. The past couple of weeks I haven't been blogging much. I have been packing and moving from Cape Town back to Johannesburg. My heart has been heavy and I have wondered over and over if I was doing the right thing. Around and around my thoughts go in my head, the things I loved about Cape Town compared to the family I missed so much. I must be doing the right thing.
As 'D' day was drawing near, I was surrounded with packed boxes all around the apartment, I was anxious but at the same time looking forward to all the new things that are about to change when I get back.

My eldest daughter, who moved to Cape Town impulsively in December, phoned me to see how the weather was on my side of the mountain. For anyone who doesn't know this Cape Town is really strange, the weather can be raining on one side of the mountain and sun shinning on the other, or windy in Kommetijie and absolutely still in Blouberg, or vice versa. On this particular day it was a beautiful day where she was and very windy in Blouberg where I was living. She called me to suggest we go for a walk on the beach with 'the children', hers and mine, the cousins ! I warned her that the weather was cold and windy and she said she didn't mind she needed to get out.

She arrived with her three little dogs, Chillie who is a dachshund and the oldest of her 3 and the favourite. Moggy who is a Pekineses sweet little dog but doesn't have chillies personality. Then there is Mr. Magoo who is the baby and according to her doesn't have much personality but he is a calm peaceful kind of dog.
Of course I had Bella with me. It was really windy but the dogs chased each other up and down the beach and it really was very sweet to watch.

A few days later Lee decided to take her little doggies to the beach on her own. For some unknown reason, Mr Magoo this little one above suddenly let out a yelp and couldn't move his back legs. She rushed him off to the vet and he had slipped a disc in his back and had to stay at the vet over night. They weren't sure if he would be alright or if he would have to be put down. The cost for an MRI was so expensive Lee just didn't have the cash to pay for it. The following day Mr Magoo was a lot better and over several days he improved considerably. He was staggering a little with his back legs but not crying. Lee just has to keep an eye on him.

About a week later I received a phone call from her to say that she was as the vet with Chillie and he was paralysed in his back legs. He apparently jumped off her bed and let out a scream and exactly the same thing happened to him as what happened to Mr. Magoo only this time not with the same results. I am not sure exactly what went wrong, but the vet said he woudl be paralysed.

Chillie was put down yesterday morning and Lee is absolutely heart broken.

Can anything more go wrong? There are times for all of us when we ask that question and things can get worse at the worst possible moment. When I was younger it was these out of control moments that would send me into a spiral of depression that would cripple me for weeks, but not anymore. I have learned not to fight and resist but to let things be. These past few months have been tough for me, when my children hurt, I hurt too... a whole lot. Chillie was not my dog, but my daughter is my child.

Some of my friends have been through really tough times in the past few months and I have often wondered, 'can things get any worse?' I choose not to ponder on that question, but to ride out the storm and wait for it to pass. Things always improve, life does get back to normal, laughter does return... we just have to have FAITH and trust that TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY.

Oh Lord help me deal with this pain !

2011-02-18T14:27:00.000-08:00

This is my darling Aunt Phyl. My mother was the youngest of four and Phyl was the third youngest. My life as a young girl was painful and full of turmoil and Phyl was always there for my brother and I. I have so many memories of her. I spent a lot of time with her when I was a child and my single mother was working. Phyl was kind, comforting and always made me feel special. She believed in me, my capabilities and my future. I hope that God will give me some more time.... just a little.

I don't know why God brings certain people into our lives... to teach us... and I learned a lot from her.

She was married to her first husband and had two children... my cousins. There marriage was hard, just after the war, and everyone was making a new life for themselves in Zimbabwe, I think they had problems but we never knew or understood what their problems were.

My aunt and uncle got divorced and a few years later Phyl married her second husband... a difficult but kind man. He was critical of her and found fault with everything, but he was good to us as a family.

Divorce does that to people... they move on... but they don't deal with the emotions of the past.

My darling aunt Phyl and her husband had two more children. The eldest Andrew, who was killed during the Zimbabwe war. I don't think the family was ever the same again. My uncle passed away a few years later heart broken at the loss of his only son. Phyl took over keeping the family together, through thick and thin.

Through the reclaiming of the farms in Zimbabwe, the support of her children and so much heart ache over the war that claimed her son. She was forced to return to England without her family for security and there she lived in a little appartment with her older sister for several years before returning to Zimbabwe to be with her children.

When you are growning older it is amazing to me what becomes important... she traded medical health and financial security, to be with her family in Zimbabwe no matter what!

My precious Phyl.... she has enjoyed the last years of her life in Zimbabwe, the country that she loves and where she found so much happiness. The country that her two husbands died and her son.... life is really strange to me, it is almost as if.... she had to come home. She has just had the second of two stokes and is unconscious so I am not sure what is happening at the moment.

I know that I am sharing some pretty personal stuff here... but... this is who I am.... what makes me tick... makes me care so much for other people.... makes me think about the meaning of life.

Rain Drops

2011-02-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

Some people are just so incredibly talented. I have spent far too long browsing other peoples blogs and came across my name sake Carolyn . I could spend an hour on this blog there is so much to enjoy.

Pat Winter

2011-02-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

This is really special. Pat is the very gifted lady who made my little comfort doll for my grand daughter. You can order or magazine here.

I have just come back from visiting with my grand daughter and I have a special story to share. For some reason she has not been enjoying school lately and every morning is a tearful gut wrenching good bye with both her and my daughter in tears. I decided to put the little comfort doll that Pat made, into a cute silk bag that I had in my sewing box. It has a long string which I knew she could hang around her neck.

I gave her the doll and told her that when ever she feels sad, she can take the doll out of the bag and hold it close to her heart and she will know that she is loved very very much, by God, by her Mommy and Daddy and by me.

The following day off she went to school and I received an SMS from my daughter to say that it worked like a charm. She got out of the car, waved good bye and went straight in to her classroom. When I collect her from school the first thing she said to me with a smile on her face was, "Pebbie it worked"

Pat's work is beautiful and the detail is breath taking.

A Taste Of Heaven

2011-02-08T21:50:00.000-08:00

A taste of heaven is any place where your soul finds peace.

I have been fortunate to travel around the world to some really exotic and beautiful destinations. There was no doubt about it, I did appreciate it at the time, but I have found pleasure and peace, less than 100 meters from my front door.

Alone as alone can be. I went for an early walk along the beach with Bella and there was not a soul in sight. I cannot tell you how peaceful I feel. I am going to miss these long walks, the fresh salty breeze that comes off the sea. The time to think peaceful thoughts and be so grateful for this opportunity to withdraw from the world and heal. Going back to the past so to speak, is really scary for me. There is a possiblity that I could bump into my ex husband at every turn, something I wish I could avoid, but I can't.

I have done so much introspection, taken responsibility for every choice that I have ever made in life. I have forgiven anyone and everyone that I can think of, for the things they have done that hurt...but there is one thing I really struggle with and possibly will do for the rest of my life and it has nothing to do with forgiveness.... and that is my ex husband does not show, or express one single sign of remorse.

Ultimately my marriage to him would never have lasted until death do us part, by natural causes, it possibly would have ended in my death though. I was one of the lucky ones. Taking personal responsibility in an abusive marriage, does not mean blaming oneself for being beaten black and blue, but we have far more power in ourselves than we believe. We are broken down, forced to listen to lies spoken to us and about us, betrayed, degraded and belittled but we do have the power to escape the hell.

1. We have to learn the truth about what LOVE is. Many victims will say... but I do really love him. It is impossible to love a man who has no respect for you. You might care about him as a person, a human being, but you cannot love a man who tries to destroy you.
2. We need to learn to love ourselves and value who we are. No one can give you self love and self respect.
3. We need to stop looking for validation from the outside world. It has to come from within.
4. We must choose life, for ourselves, for our children and our childrens children.
5. We must escape from all forms of abuse and look deeply into our own psyche to understand why we allow the abuse... and STOP it.
6. We must STOP abusing ourselves.

My ex husband said for years that I must take personal responsibilty. I thought that he mean't that I was to blame and I think he did, but had I heard that another way..... to take responsibilty for my own life, I possibly would have seen him for who he really was, understood myself more and made better choices.

This Valentine Day, my prayer for you, is that you don't look for love in all the wrong places, that you don't wait for someone to tell you they love you, but that you will look in the mirror and say I LOVE YOU, and truly mean it and then go out there and show those people in your life that you love them too.

There are some people who read my blog who are unable to leave comments, but I can see from the stats that I get many visitors from my website. This message was for you today.

Little Princess

2011-02-08T21:16:00.000-08:00

My Grand daughter wants to have a Princess Party for her birthday this weekend, so my youngest daughter made her these little tiara's to put on the cup cakes. Humm not to sure what we will put on the cakes for the boys, any idea's? Aren't these so cute? Little Princess Cup Cakes.

Hidden treasure

2011-01-29T04:36:00.000-08:00

Oh wow, I was so excited when I received this little treasure. I had an idea to do something and asked Pat Winter if she could make it for me. She misunderstood my request and made a doll that was far bigger than what I actually wanted, so she made this little one. Her work is incredible and I was thrilled. Take a look at all the beautiful things she makes.
There is a story behind why I wanted this little doll. I recently read a about how in ancient times the older women in a tribe, made dolls for the grand children. Hidden inside the dolls were messages of wisdom. Soon it will be my grand daughters 5th birthday and I wanted to make her one. That is her pretty little face on this doll, isn't it just so cute, she fits in the palm of your hand. I love her.

Silver Bottle

2011-01-29T04:23:00.000-08:00

Just look at this, isn't it exquisite. Please...pretty please!

Why don't you go and leave a comment and put yourself in the running to win one of these beautiful bottles. After me of course!

Superman

2011-01-27T08:13:00.000-08:00

I was driving in the car the other day and heard this track on the radio, soulful and beautiful to have it playing in the back ground.

Where will I find solitude

2011-01-27T01:00:00.000-08:00

Oh Lord I am tearing up, when I get back to Johannesburg where will I find solitude? Surrounded by neighbours, shopping centers which I hate, the potential for danger lurking around me all the time and security doors closed and burglar bars back on the windows, where will I find solitude? To find some alone time will not be a walk down the road to my beautiful peaceful beach, but will be driving my car to a botanical garden somewhere! I am going to really miss this. My soul has been in turmoil for so long that this time spent in Cape Town was healing and it has given me back my sense of belonging.

Fear is a dreadful thing. I have to make mental pictures to throw fear away and embrace my peaceful soul.

For those who follow this of you who stop by to read my blog from my website, we need to take back everything that was stolen from us, or those parts of ourselves that we recklessly gave away in exchange for some perceived security that didn't exist.

An abusive partner always has the power to destroy our lives and our home the place where we should find comfort and as Dr. Phil says, it should be a safe place to come home to.

I had a beautiful brick and mortar building that I lived in with my family. But I walked around every day thinking this does not belong to me. I don't mean the building I mean the 'home' part. The home does not belong to me - the space we lived in where ever it was, always belonged to him. He decided when we would be laughing and when we would be crying and that would depend on who he was entertaining for his amusement and how bored and irritated he might be.

He told some people that I was a crazy loonie. He said that he always lived in fear of when I would get angry and explode, he walked around on egg shells apparently. I was a drug addict alcoholic. It is important for other victims to understand that they are masters at projecting. It was he who was an alcoholic violent man, with disgusting behaviour at home and in public. It was the family who walked around on egg shells all doing our best to keep him happy. None of us... dare to tell him what to do or contest him in any way.

Please try, to take some time to find the truth with in yourself. Block out all the noise and confusion inside your head. Quiet the screaming, shouting, angry voices. Pay attention to your own inner voice. There is a healthy peaceful life out there that is NON VIOLENT. The people I surround myself with today, are kind, caring , nurturing, warm , sincere, gentle, artistic, spiritual people who care... about themselves and ALL others.

Be gentle with yourself.

Pretty little hand made ring

2011-01-27T00:36:00.000-08:00

My daughter Cera Tan is so creative. She is making all kinds of jewellery at the moment.This little ring has a matching bracelet which she made for my recent Birthday.

Things to share

2011-01-27T00:33:00.000-08:00

Look what I found a tutorial for making these cute silk roses. I know I am packing but I just had to make one of these last night quickly. I love it.

This was made a few months back. It was a tin and a silk rose and now covered with cement and then aged with rust stains. I think it would make a nice gift to someone with tissue paper and chocolates inside or a nice little lacy number tucked away.

Bored Bella

2011-01-27T00:28:00.000-08:00

They say dogs don't like moving and packing makes them edgy... no kidding.

And on top of it, she has been chewing off my buttons again. What's with the buttons? Can you see how carefully she removed these ones, she didn't even chew the lace!

2011-01-23T13:42:00.000-08:00

Now that Bella is growing up and she is a teenager, I took her off to the Beauty Parlor for her treatments. She had her first manicure and pedicure, poodle cut and her regular touch up on her roots. Doesn't she look just gorgeous?

My Cheri Amore

If she is going to find a descent boyfriend then she must look and act like a lady... that is what my mother told me.

DJ Pettitt

2011-01-23T01:19:00.000-08:00

My favourite blog of all time is DJ Pettitt. I met her this time last year when I did a Digital workshop with her. if you don't already know her, then you don't know what you are missing out on. She is one of the most beautiful internet friends I have... inside and out. Go make yourself a cuppa, settle down infront of your computer and pay her a visit... her work is exquisite.

Look at this beautiful Journal she made in December.

Please take some time to follow all her links and you will see some of the most amazing work she does. She is also a very keen photographer taking the most incredible macro photographs. I adore her work.

Daphne & Lynda

2011-01-23T01:01:00.000-08:00

More beautiful things to feast your envious eyes on. I just love the vintage photo's, roses, silver bits and pieces. So whimsical and pretty, why don't you pop in for a visit.

Jill

2011-01-22T09:47:00.000-08:00

I love this little top and made from all kinds of bits and pieces we all have in the drawer somewhere. Gypsy Flea Market

Maureen Tillman

So much to see and enjoy in Maureen Tillman's beautiful blog.

Moonlight Lady - enjoy the music when you look at the picture below.

2011-01-19T13:33:00.001-08:00

Moonlight Lady

2011-01-19T13:32:00.000-08:00

I haven't done any manipulations for a long time now. There was a movie I wanted to watch tonight or listen to, so I decided to just start with the water and everything else followed from there. I was singing Moonlight Lady in my head while I was doing it so it worked out pretty wel;.

model is from mjranum

The angels cry Holy is His Name

2011-01-17T02:10:00.000-08:00

Isn't this so beautiful. I wish I could remember where I found it. I would love to paint this and I just might...for my new bedroom when I get back home with my family.

Then and Now

2011-01-16T14:42:00.000-08:00

Some journal entries for the Scetchbook challenge Highly Prized. This was really an enjoyable challenge and I wish I had more time because there are a lot of things that I value these days.

I've come a long way

2011-01-16T14:29:00.000-08:00

It will soon be my ex husbands 50th Birthday and a year ago I would hardly have been able to think about it without being in tears.... remembering his disinterest and lack of involvement when it was mine. The pain I went through with the message that I received at the time that I am not worth acknowledging. I mean nothing and therefore my 50th Birthday was not worth celebrating! Every 'big one' is a milestone in the journey of life and worth celebrating if only to remember how far we have come and what we have learned.
It will soon be a big day for him, and I bare no malice I honestly don't. God is good... when we trust Him to bring healing He is so faithful.
This photo was taken 10 years ago and now I can see where all the wrinkles are... my life maps!

Endings and Beginnings

2011-01-12T11:24:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship."

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés (Women Who Run with the Wolves)

In Loving Memory of My Mother

2011-01-12T11:18:00.000-08:00

My mother passed away on the 24th of February 1991. When I read the book WOMAN WHO RUN WITH WOLVES I thought so much about her. I found this website and even the music brings back memories of my mother and her exotic taste in foods and all things eastern. My mother was a Christian but I think she had her roots deep in the soil of India because she never forgot all that she experienced there as a young girl growing up in India. She even learned to speak Urdu at school. I am sorry that I did not ask more questions when she was still alive. I am still a little confused because she spoke of going to school in India but she was born in Puna which I think is in Burma.
I watched a program on TV yesterday about China and felt very nostalgic about my father too, he was born in Peking. How sad, that we do not take advantage while we can, to know our parents a little more as people and not simply as Mother and Father.

The Old Wise Woman

2011-01-12T11:03:00.000-08:00

The Old Wise Woman Susan McClellan

There once was an old wise woman who was walking in the mountains when she came across a shallow stream. While looking into the stream she picked up a beautiful precious stone which she dried on her old dress and placed in her bag.

The next day she met a fellow traveller, who was hungry and the woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveller saw the precious stone in her bag, admired it and asked the wise woman if she would give it to him. The wise old woman gave it to him without hesitation. The traveller left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the jewel was worth enough to give him security for the rest of his life.

A few days later he came back searching for the wise woman. When he found her, he returned the stone and said ..

I have been thinking. I know how valuable this stone is, but I want to give it back to you in the hope that you can give me something far more precious.

If you can give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone.

Author Unknown

Bella has gone Ballistic

2011-01-08T11:36:00.000-08:00

For a couple of days now Bella hasn't been herself, in fact she was acting really strange at the beach the other day! She met that black boy on the beach and chasesd his pants off... I mean his fur off. She chased him round and round, up the beach down the beach until eventually he was so exhausted he went and hid with his human parents.
When I put her on her leash, she really did sulk! Since then she has been acting really strange. She has been over excited, killing all of her toys especially the one little dog and the one that looks like a cat. She has been jumping all over me and playing, but then gets all hot under her collar literally and starts doing things to my arm or leg or what ever. Today she was really irritating me so I went on line to find out when does a puppy come into season ? U dah!!!! I am so sad, my little girl is not a little girl anymore, she is in season :o(
Now I am going to have to keep her off the beaches for 3 weeks... damn!

Look at the photo that I took of her on the beach with the black boy, you can see the way she is flirting with him, I knew it !

Looking for love at sunset.

2011-01-06T14:11:00.000-08:00

It was such a beautiful evening I decided to take Bella to the beach to watch the sunset. A friend of mine and I went off with a cooler bag filled with biscuits, cheese and wine it was such a perfect evening. I am the mother of a teenage girl dog, all she wants to do... is meet the boys! Well she did... a cute little black boy and she really played up to him. Sadly I had to do what all mothers have to do.... keep an eye on her! Eventually she was becomming TOO friendly and I needed to take control.

Back in mothers control all she could do was watch the sun set... she wasn't amused! My friend and I spent a wonderful evening chatting.... Bella was bored but a Mom has got to do what she has to do! Shame the little black boy soon went home and Bella looked sad... her friend had gone.

I wasn't ignoring her plight but one day when she grows up I will let her have more freedom... just not right now.

There is a time and a season for everything.

Where do I find comfort

2011-01-05T04:53:00.000-08:00

Where do we find comfort?
Many search for comfort in alcohol, promiscuity, drugs, work, casino's and constant entertainment, the list is endless. Others find comfort in writing, art, fishing, sewing, baking, exercise, sailing, mountain climbing that list also can go on forever too. We all seem to think that the second lot of options are more beneficial, maybe so, but just as painful sometimes.
This is just my oppinion, all addictions are distructive and we know that and my second list of 'things to do to ease the pain' can be just as bad. If we find peace, and restoration in pursuing those past times then it is all good, but if we become lonely and isolated they can be just as harmful to our sense of well being and wholeness.

The truth is I often resort to painting and writing when I am experiencing pain and feeling vulnerable and I can become quite reclusive, but I am never in denial about the reasons for my personal choices. I take less flack for the things that I do, in fact I often receive praise for living alone, facing my problems, being creative, taking time out to heal is healthy and should be encouraged, but there comes a time when one has to get back into the game. When isolation is nothing more than denying how much pain we are in the same way that addicts try to hide theirs.

The reason I have posted these cute pictures of polar bears, is because I often miss my mother and realised this morning that I never experienced her comfort, which paved the way for a life long search for comfort and validation which I have found in my friends and through my art.

This morning one of my cousins posted a video on my Face Book page. It was an old video taken 40 years ago. The video was of my mother getting married to my stepfather a paedophile, abusive womanizer! To say I was shocked is putting it mildly. Overwhelmed to see my mother's gullible, smiling, happy face after all these years was really painful and even more painful was to see my step fathers smiling, deceitful charming face. I am shaking as I type this. My mind is flooded with memories that I cannot forget.

Recently my ex husband caused some concern over the festive season, a time when I should have been happy and celebrating like everyone else. He has been able to turn my life upside down for years, but not anymore. When he tries to do things that hurt and upset me, I say to myself over and over 'you hold no power over me' and the truth is he doesn't. Sometimes my reactions of fear and panic are simply the memories of the power he had. Memories are just that.... in the past. Today I have control over my life, my choices and the relationships I have with people but the 'flooding' of memories is something that I have to control.

With both these examples I am sharing how we are never going to be rid of the past, it will always come back to haunt us. Where do I find comfort were do you find comfort?

1. My first thought is "Lord please help me, give me the peace that comes with trusting in You".
2. I share how I am feeling by being honest with a friend and I accept the comfort that they offer.
3. I write about the way I am feeling in my journal, it really helps me a lot.
4. I choose to distract myself by doing something positive.

My mother will always be with me and our relationship is loving and kind even though she is no longer here with me. My comfort comes in knowing that I am alright, and God will never leave me or fore sake me, if there is distance between us, it is because I have created it. My comfort comes in believing that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and the comfort that I sometimes need, I give to others - what a blessing.

Gentle Reminder

2011-01-04T11:23:00.000-08:00

My art has changed so much in the past few years! During the festive season I made this little journal, inspired by DJ Pettitt. The journal was made with lots of bits and pieces given to me by friends.

Reminding all my followers and people who read this blog, why I started this blog in the first place. My intention was to help other survivors of domestic violence, both men and women.

I received a phone call the other day from a charming, delightful and gorgeous looking woman who contacted me a year ago after hearing about my experience, she wanted to share with me her own story and she was asking for help. It has taken her a year to break off the relationship she had with her abusive boyfriend, she has met someone else, a kind caring and loving man who adores her. The problem is, that she is struggling with her feelings towards him and she asked me, why she can't appreciate everything about him.
My response to her was that she has become so used to the abuse, and her own self abuse, that she doesn't know what real love is anymore. I spent an hour on the phone with her and my suggestion was that she take the relationship slowly, not to get into any kind of physical relationship with him and to take one day at a time.

A few days later I received another call from someone else who wanted to try and get a copy of my book. This lady lives fairly near to where I live, so she asked if she could meet me for coffee and I agreed. We spoke for about an hour and her story was very familiar. I was very encouraged though because she in fact got my number from the precious person who apparently told her that if it wasn't for me, she would never have been able to end the abusive relationship with her boy friend. that is why I do what I do.

This work is really hard for me, I have moved on with my own life and 'those' years are so far behind me now that I often feel that I want to close that door, but as long as I am able to help someone else the work will continue.

Post Traumatic Stress is often the result of these relationships and for me that was the hardest part. I don't think that ever goes away altogether but it does get easier with time. When ever I have an attack of anxiety or wake up with a night mare which still happens quite often, instead of meditating on the situation I make every effort to distract myself. I take a nice cool shower, play some really relaxing meditation type of music, look out of my window at the ocean, go for a long walk on the beach, read a book that inspires me and before I know it I am feeling fine. In the early days I spent days and sometimes weeks, fighting off the anxiety and the thoughts of all that has happened in the past.

Enjoy every moment while you can

2011-01-02T13:40:00.000-08:00

I really love Hout Bay and will miss these wonderful times that I have had here in Cape Town.

2011-01-02T12:48:00.000-08:00

Just weeks before Christmas I met Stephan on the beach and I was really excited and happy that things turned out well for him, he was well cared for by a Christian family, but it wasn't a Happy Christmas for a few others.

A very dear friend of mine has been helping to nurse her son's, girlfriends mother who had cancer over a period of several weeks and sadly she passed away this Christmas, leaving two young daughters behind trying to work out why their mommy died so young.

I met another man who was spending his first Christmas without his daughter who was murdered earlier this year. He was a very sad and lonely man.

I received a phone call to meet with a lady who had bought one of my paintings and after spending two hours with her over coffee, she shared her story with me, and the sadness that she still struggles with as a result of her husband leaving her for a younger woman.

Yet another lady, phoned me before Christmas and we spoke on the phone for at least an hour. She has been really struggling for a long time with a situation that has caused her a lot of emotional pain over the years and she was about to go into hospital for brain surgery to remove a tumour.

My grandson has been in hospital for the past few days with bronchial pneumonia. My daughter and her husband went away for a two week holiday at the coast and for several days have been trying to deal with the kids getting sick and my grandson finally being admitted into hospital. They haven't exactly had the relaxing holiday they had hoped for.

Being the sensitive, caring person that I am... I find it hard to ignore the suffering of others. We have such high expectations at Christmas that everyone will be with loving family, happy and healthy and all having a wonderful time and that sometimes is not the case. All we can do, is continue to pray for those who have not had an easy time and honestly hope that the year ahead will become easier and less painful.

How was my Christmas and New Year, quiet and alone but peaceful. This morning I went for a long walk on the beach with Bella, the fog was thick across the bay and I could hardly see a couple of meters in front of my nose, but it was beautiful. Soon I will begin packing and then I look forward to the move back to Johannesburg to be with my family again. Maybe next Christmas will be happier. My love and prayers go out to all the people I know who did not have a happy time this year. Hope... the expectation of a positive outcome in the future.

Happy New Year

2010-12-31T02:57:00.000-08:00

A gift to all my blog followers... Happy New year. Thank you for following my blog and for all the comments, appreciation and advice. It has been a hard year for me but easier than the one before. Each year is a little less painful and you have all been amazing. I did this picture last night and will add the links for the models after the weekend. Life is a celebration and even when we are alone the heavens celebrate with us.
Double click for a larger view.

Thinking of a friend today

2010-12-15T05:53:00.000-08:00

Today is a very sad day in deed for a friend of mine who lost one of her daughters to a completely senseless murder. The accused was prosecuted but not found guilty which has been really painful for the family to accept. My thoughts really go out to the family today. It made me think of this song by Charice, one of my favourites.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4Xd435coD4

Who is this!

2010-12-13T13:05:00.000-08:00

A friend of my daughter had his Fine Art graduation recently and his parents flew out for the occassion. We stood around taking photos and I thought his mother and I would be alone in the picture! Have you ever looked into the background of your photo's to see who is there?

I can't really show you what the whole room looked like. Each student had a room where they could do their final art piece. I am not sure what the message was in this room but the entire room was filled with white objects, draped lace and fabric and cotton wool all over the floor. It was interesting to say the least.

Bella is looking for Father Christmas

2010-12-12T14:49:00.000-08:00

I was busy wrapping presents to send up to my family In Johannesburg. There were one or two, or three ...for Bella. I locked her outside and told her to go and play...the next thing I see her looking through the window at me! Now what am I going to do... I know... I will give then to her tomorrow and buy her new ones...just so that I can surprise her... how can I deal with this?

She looks so bored... but she still wants to know what she is getting for Christmas... I am not telling.

I am sad

2010-12-12T13:33:00.000-08:00

Have you ever done that... post your long message only to have it disappear! In 2004 was my last Christmas with my ex and it was a really an unhappy one. I knew that things were coming to an end, and faster than I could plan for.
2005 January we separated and I was numb, I hardly knew what day of the week it was let alone plan for Christmas 2005. I have no recollection of that Christmas at all... was there one?
By 2006 I was divorced and only just surviving... my heart was broken, shattered by the events of the year before, but thank goodness for my son in laws family who included me and my daughters in their Christmas celebrations.
2007 and my heart was feeling a little stronger and I wanted to reciprocate to the in laws. I invited the whole family and we really put on a feast. Turkey, Gammon, mince pies, roast veggies, desserts nuts glace fruit what ever was 'Christmas' we had it all.
My family in Zimbabwe used to have the most lavish Christmas's this was the first time as a newly divorced person that I could try and do the same. In my opinion Christmas is about family. But for so many years, when my ex husband had his children then it was about family but when they went to spend time with their Mother, then it was only about us... not my children. He would plan holidays on exotic islands... but without my children. I know you are wondering ... but why did you not insist... why did go? When it is Christmas you don't start fighting about things that you know will cause a war... and I never had a choice anyway.

So... when I was finally separated, and able to make my own choices all I wanted to do was to be with my family. 2007 was the first year that I was ever going to have, with my children with out any drama and doing things just the way we wanted...it was SO special.

This was my Boma in the garden with my precious daughter and her husband preparing for our dinner.

What can I say... my daughters fooling around in one of the decoration! yup...my kids... love them to bits.

Well the day went really well but in the evening when I went into the kitchen... I thought.. OMG... I am going to clean this up tomorrow O So Lo mio.

But when everyone left my precious daughters got stuck in to the kitchen and before I knew it the whole house was spic and span.... we had a wonderful day... the kitchen was spotless and I was alone and in tears... and I mean sobbing.

This was not how I planned life to be. I am a family person. I loved my children, cared deeply about all my step children but no matter what I just couldn't hold the family together.

This was our first real Christmas together as a family and just look at my precious little grand daughter... we all look so happy...but trust me this was a painful time for all of us.

Why am I sad... because I am a family person... and every Christmas is a reminder... that I am not a family.

Before & After

2010-12-12T02:16:00.000-08:00

Thank goodness for PS. I have been layering and layering for days. It is almost finished but I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong...so over to PS to play with shadows and highlights. I like the second one a lot more, now what I have to do is try and work that into my painting. Any ideas from my artist friends?

Anyone who has a heart.

2010-12-10T13:54:00.000-08:00

I know that anyone who has a heart, will read this story about Stephan and wonder... how will this story end. Will Stephan beat the odds... I think we all pray and hope that he will, because we are all surrounded by 'Stephans' around the world and we all wish and hope and pray that they will be okay, sort their lives out and find security and happiness. Some will make it and some will not, we know that, but for all those who don't make it... we cannot give up and lose heart.
People who have reached the end... the bottom... are moments and a choice away from death... it takes one caring person and they can be saved, and they can turn their lives around and WE could have done one small thing to help them.

I have often wondered... what does it feel like moments before someone is about to take their own life...well I have been there... and it takes one phone call from a friend for a person to change their mind... just for today... but the today's...become tomorrows and then tomorrows become a lifetime.

I can't believe this

2010-12-10T12:11:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, I made a terrible mistake. I was driving in my car with Bella sitting on my lap, I wasn't going far. It was a beautiful day and I had my drivers window down. Bella had her head out the window like a real diva, pink hair blowing in the wind. When I pulled into the car park, a man walked up to my car selling african art work from up country, dark glasses and all kinds of goodies which I wasn't interested in so I turned to my left to tell him I wasn't interested but while I was doing that I pressed the automatic window and it slowly started to close, I could feel Bella wiggling around but I thought she was just anxious to get out the car, but when I turned around to calm her, I saw she was stuck in the window! Obviously I quickly I pressed the button to let the window go down and she was hoarse...she couldn't speak! I was in a complete panic I thought I had killed my soul mate.

Well I sat in the car, crying and gently rubbing her throat and soon she was fine, she had a high pitch bark for a while but she was alive.

That's not the last of it....

A few weeks later I was off to the beach with Bella to take some photo's that I wanted to paint, but I was in a hurry. I stopped at one spot, jumped out the car and let Bella out with me to take some pictures. I did this a few times and then time was running out. After about the 6th photo stop I decided one more and then we must go home. I pulled into a car park, jumped out the car, but I left Bella in the car with my handbag, my cell phone and the keys in the ignition. I thought just one more, snap snap and we would be gone. I hadn't walked 5 paces from the car and I heard the central locking go off. I turned around to see that my car door was closed, Bella was in the drivers seat and she had stood on the central locking next to my hand break.

I was stunned. It was a sweltering day, it was lunchtime, Bella was locked in the car and I froze. Panic set in and I started to cry, I thought she is going to die from the heat. I don't have a phone number to phone even if I ask a passing jogger for help. I don't know many people in Cape Town it was terrible.

A friendly lady was running past and saw my distress and she stopped to see what was wrong, when I told her, she immediately took control. We walked to a nearby restaurant and she told the manager what the problem was, with me wiping my nose on my sleeve! The manager phoned a locksmith who said he would be there in 10 minutes he was just down the road. Every minute passed like an hour. When he arrived he jumped confidently out of his car and said it wouldn't take a minute. I stood back because I didn't want Bella to see my and get worked up making herself even more hot. Trust me it was hot.
He tried everything and it just wouldn't open. Eventually he phoned someone else and that man took at least 20minutes to get to us. By then, you can well imagine what I was going through. When the new man arrived he came with all his bank robbing, safe breaking equipment and set to work.

I noticed a couple sitting on a bench, romantically looking out over the ocean. They were obviously wondering what was going on. They came over and I flopped into the young girls arms and told her of my plight. I asked her if she was on holiday and she said no she was on honeymoon. How sweet. While we were talking about her recent wedding, and their wonderful honeymoon which they had enjoyed, the men all got to work. With in about 10 minutes the door was open. I ran towards the car to see if Bella was dead and thoughout the whole ordeal she had fallen asleep under the dash board, completely unperturbed. So...Bella was fine, I paid a fortune for the locksmith services and we were on our way.

And the story doesn't end there. Last night two friends dropped in and we were sitting chatting on my patio, it was a beautiful evening. My friend owns a pizza restaurant and she suggested we go and get a pizza, we all walked to the car and I was so busy helping them to get in the car, I saw Bella walk around the back of the car and I thought she had followed my friends boyfriend, who she loves so I thought she had jumped in the back seat with him. I went to close my door and felt a yelp. Bella had tried to jump onto my lap like she always does and I squashed her in the car door.

No I know what you are thinking by now.... Bella looks like a dog, but she is a cat? Well I quickly opened the door and she jumped in but I could see she wasn't hurt but she was @##$$% off and didn't speak to me the whole day.

This evening she went into the bedroom earlier than usual. When I went to find her... hummm it was pay back time. I had been wearing this beautiful Indian jacket which is lovely and cool but I had changed and draped it over the edge of my bed. There was Bella chewing off all the buttons, one by one. I mean what could I say? I mean really! It was one of those moments when you find your children have done something really naughty but you actually find it quite funny.... I didn't laugh, but I knew we were even!

This is a reversible top, emerald green on the one side and shocking pink on the other. Oh well I enjoyed it while I had it. Now I am going to use the buttons on a DJ Pettitt journal I am busy making. Go and see her work, in my oppinion she is one of the most talented artists, her work is beautiful.

Are you kidding me?

2010-12-10T11:31:00.000-08:00

A few years ago I went to Argentina. My daughter and I went down to breakfast and everything looked familiar and normal until we came across a huge bowl of something that looked like puke. I know that sounds disgusting, but it looked disgusting. My daughter and I are so much a like and we are up for anything, so we filled our bowls with this stuff....

Now tell me that looks appetising... and I won't believe you. Well we tasted this stuff, apprehensively and it was really nice yummie in fact. We tried to work out what it was and how it was made but couldn't quite put our finger on it. Well yesterday I decided I was going to try and see how to make it.
I soaked the muesli in fruit juice until it was soft. Then I added some yogurt and tasted it and it was Just right...said this little bear, I knew that I would work it out sooner or later. This is different to how I normally eat muesli but trust me it is really good.

2010-12-10T07:05:00.000-08:00

This was a digital art piece I did a while back but I thought it was appropriate to use it here.

Absolutely Awesome news

2010-12-10T06:59:00.000-08:00

I met Stephan last week Saturday and he really broke my heart. I promised him that I would do my best over the next few days to try and find him a shelter or a rehab, but I had NO idea how hard that would be. I spent several hours over several days phoning every single contact number that I could get my hands on. Hospitals, rehabs, shelters, social workers, churches police stations and I was getting no where fast. All I was being told is that it is going to cost X, or the social worker is not in your area, or we cannot help him because we are full, there is a waiting list, we are closed until the end of January.

I was SO UPSET, that I thought I cannot go down to the beach and tell him that there is nothing I can do. I decided not to go and see him but prayed with all my heart.

Lord... you know that I love you, but I am really mad with you today...which was Wednesday evening.... Lord as I was saying... I am really mad with you. You want us to care about these people who are thrown away by societyn and I do, but YOU are not opening the doors anywhere for him to go. Well if he dies.... it is your fault.... You can't blame me for trying! I am going to sleep and I am giving him back to you, he is your problem now.

Amen... good nite.

Well that was Wednesday night. I can't say it didn't bother me yesterday it did, the whole day. But every time I thought about it, I kept saying Lord he is your problem.

Last night around 7pm I received a phone call from a number I didn't recognise, and this voice says..."Hello Caryl this is Stephan. I am staying with some people and I wanted you to know that I haven't taken any drugs or alcohol since I saw you on the weekend. I want to give you the phone number where I am staying so that if you want to you can come and see me".

I WAS ABSOLUTELY SHOCKED....... His voice was clear and I knew he was okay. I called the number he gave me this morning and made arrangements to go and see him. Angus and his wife Karen own a beautiful Garden Center with a lovely coffee shop. Their son Luke came up to me to introduce himself with a big hug ! These people are charming, young, beautiful Christians. They are very active in their church and they have a ministry with street people ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

At the back of the nursery is an apartment with a dormitory that sleeps about 8 people. They took me to the back to show me what it looks like and there was Sephan sleeping on one of the beds.

I REALLY REALLY had to hold back the tears. I didn't stay long, because I had to go somewhere but I knew for the first time in a week, that God was 100% in control. Stephan is not in a horrible old warehouse, or in a state hospital, he is in a room with other men just like him, but all recovering and doing well. There are flowers all around them because of the nursery..... I am so AMAZED AND IN AWE as to how God works for those who trust HIM.

Lord, it is me again.... I am SO sorry I was mad at you. I should have known that You would do this! You have never let me down when I am desperate, and I really was desperate. Thank you that you care so much for Stephan you found him a home only a couple of blocks from where I live. Thank you that you gave him a pretty flower garden and really loving caring people to look after him. Now Lord all I can ask, is that you work IN him. Give him the strength that surpasses all understanding to resist this addiction and fight back. Lord I pray that you will protect him day and night until he beats this. I also trust you Lord that I will hear good news of him in the future, that he has a job, a place to stay and that he is happy.
Thank you Lord that you are always so faithful.

Trust, Fear, Caution and Wisdom

2010-12-09T14:09:00.000-08:00

Several years ago I did a course with World Alive. A three day journey of self discovery that was amazing. One of the exercises we did was this one, but we were blind folded and we had no idea that there were people standing behind us, but we were told to trust and just fall backward off a wall, trusting the people who were running the course. It was interesting, try it sometime...I dare you.

This was another one of the tests, to see how much confidence we had in people. Everyone stands in a circle with one person in the middle who is also blind folded, not like this guy! The idea is for the person in the middle to fall anyway he wants, forward, side ways or backwards and the people in the circle around him must catch him. With each successful fall...catch! the circle moves back a step. The instructions are given to the people on the outside, that no matter what several people MUST rush forward and catch the person. Obviously the outside circle does not move so far back that it is impossible to catch the person in the middle but that person doesn't know that.

It really was an interesting exercise to see the people who have incredible trust and those who don't, some people can't fall at all, they are paralysed with fear. This is an incredible example of how much as individuals, we carry fear with in us and a very few don't. They fall with gay abandonment and actually enjoy the experience.

I was speaking to someone the other day about the fact that she is struggling with TRUST after an abusive relationship. She said she can't tell the difference between legitimate FEAR from the past and learning to discern when a person is wrong for her. She said "when ever I meet someone now, and I feel afraid of them, I don't know if it is because of what I have been through, or whether this person is actually wrong for me.

I tried as best as I could to tell her how I personally learned to tell the difference. When in male company, there were men I felt comfortable with and men I didn't. I started to make a note of what it was about the men who I felt uncomfortable with and I was very specific.

He seems to look straight through me, 'I am looking at you but not hearing a word you are saying.'
He reminds me of my ex.
He reminds me of my step father.
His voice is the same as....
I don't like the way he drinks.
He is loud and doesn't seem to pay attention when other people are talking to him.
My GUT is telling me ...I don't trust you.

Compared to ...
He has kind eyes
He asks about me and listens to everything I have to say and pays attention.
He is polite, kind to people.
I have not seen him get unreasonably angry with people.

Yes of course these both have flaws, but it was a starting point for me...I didn't trust any MALE at all, not even the men in my own family.

It is a long road and people will fail, that is human nature, but I am far more tuned into people who are being dishonest than I ever was in the past and I told her it would take time but she would get there too. Forgiveness is a huge part of this process. We cannot and must not paint everyone with the same brush, we harm ourselves even more if we do.

I am not sure I am articulating this well but I need to think about this more. When someone has been completely broken by another human being, it really is hard to trust anyone. I have to take one day at a time. At one time I thought it was men I did not trust, but there are so many women who are manipulative and deceitful. To conclude I think if you really trust yourself.... TRUST YOURSELF. It is not about other people it is about the confidence one has with in that really matters, confidence gives us the discernment we need when forming new relationships.

My favourite quote is... TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.

Isn't this cute

2010-12-07T22:36:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am passionate about animals. I would love to work at a Vet, or live on a Game Farm, but I can't do everything. I hardly slept last night, concerned about Stephan, yes lets give him a name. Somewhere in this world he had a mother and father, aunts and uncles, cousins and perhaps even brothers and sisters. I wonder if these two little penguins even know each other or if they are strangers, excited at having survived. Survival makes people weep and hug each other with excruciating pain and joy.

ISN'T THIS TOO CUTE.

Penguins being released back into their beautiful habitat. You can read the article here. Strutting their stuff !

People line the beaches, men women and children, happy and excited that they have been rescued.I am sure I would have been there too at the time.

Volunteers rushed at the time to see where they could help and thousands sat in the comfort of their homes watching but offering no help at all.

I wonder if the pink marks on the little chests are visible signs of their once grieving hearts.
I also wonder if these people would ever take the time to try and help just one street kid or take their children to a soup kitchen, or a rehabilitation centre to watch the pain and suffering people go through? I wonder if those sitting at home would donate 'anything' to a cause that they feel some compassion for? I wonder if anyone is there to see when one person is rehabilitated and set free in this world?

When I spoke to all the contacts I had been given yesterday I was told by most of them, that Stephan was right, very few people care about PEOPLE, the human race, around the world. I for one have been there, in the depths of despair. Perhaps I didn't end up under a bridge, but I could have, but for the grace of God. I am told that Government funding is at an all time low, and the public sector have almost given up.
Can you imagine, if everyone, dipped into their pockets just a teeny weeny little bit, once a year to make a donation to a charity that concerned them, I don't care which charity but to just one of them. These charities are all desperate and the volunteers who work there are exhausted I am sure. Charity work is a thankless job but rewarding when one person, or one animal is rescued. So many people are distrusting of where their donations actually are distributed, I understand that but God sees the heart and our intention surely?

No this is not a guilt trip, I refuse to be made to feel guilty and I don't enjoy emails that circulate with messages of God will bless you or you will be doomed! You know the ones I mean. I simply delete them.
Can you imagine though, and I know this is idealistic, but can you imagine if even 50%, or 25% of the population of the world made some attempt to dig into their pockets or actively go and do something?

Is this intended to make anyone who may read this feel guilty, NO. I am sharing honestly what is in my own heart and I take full responsibility for that.

Diana Trout

2010-12-07T12:14:00.000-08:00

I was feeling a little down tonight after sharing the story of Sephan below. Browsing around for some new blogs I came across this one, is this just not so much fun. I can see I am going to be busy during the holidays.